3.18.07

As I sat watching my princess play, my mind began to wander to a place I only dream of.  A place where McKinnley and Ellianna are the best of friends.  A place where they run and twirl and dance and laugh until they fall over.  A place where they share secrets that only sisters can. A place that seems so real, it's hard to believe that it will never exist here on Earth.

***

This morning I was scrolling through Instagram and came across someone talking about the fact that their daughter was living proof of God's grace.  You see, this little girl had a brain tumor, but today, she's cancer free!  We all rallied behind her, bought bracelets and t-shirts to show our support.  We prayed for her as if she was our own child.  Looking at her now, you would have never known she was in this fight just a short time ago.  She truly is living, breathing proof of God's grace, mercy and healing power.

Our story turned out different.

Six years ago today, life as I knew it forever changed.  On one hand, it seems like a lifetime ago.  On the other, it feels like it was just yesterday.  Six years ago, we were in the biggest fight of our lives.  The doctors had already given us no hope.  They had all but begged me to abort the precious life that lived inside me.  She had already been declared dead and now we were just waiting.  It was in the waiting that my perspective shifted.  For months I had prayed, "God heal my baby!" But now, my prayer was simply, "God, whatever brings you the most glory." In my mind, healing was still the answer.  Raising my dead child back to life as she was delivered was naturally what I thought would bring God the most glory.  It was a no-brainer. 

We arrived at the hospital that morning after my water broke and ask the nurse to check on her.  She confirmed that she was still gone, but it didn't deter us.  We boldly told her and anyone else who would listen that they needed to be prepared if she came out and everything was fine.  We believed that she would be with every fiber of our being.  I suppose some would call that naive.  I call it faith.  "But Amanda, faith didn't change anything."  Ah, but it did.  

Faith changed everything.  

Yes, it true...Ellianna still died and took with her a piece of me.  Hopes and dreams died that day, but faith didn't die.  Faith soared.  Without faith, I would just be an empty shell of the person I used to be.  Faith has taught me that God's ways are higher than mine.  Faith has allowed me to share our story with countless other women who find themselves walking similar paths.  Faith speaks when words fail me.  Faith showed me that somehow, someway the fact that I'm a living, breathing, fully functioning adult brings God more glory than bringing my daughter back to life. 

So while our story did in fact turn out different, this morning I realized that I am proof of God's grace, mercy and healing power.  I read once that "healing doesn't mean the damage {pain} never existed.  It means the damage {pain} no longer controls our lives." If there's one thing I've learned, it's that healing is a process.  I will probably never "arrive" so to speak in the healing department.  But rather, I will walk a daily journey of no longer allowing the pain to control me.  Will there be days that the pain grips me so hard, it takes my breath away? Absolutely.  But if you think for one second that it's a set back, that it means "I'm not healing," you would be sadly mistaken.  Until you've walked the journey of losing a child, you may never understand it.  But I hope you aren't too quick to judge a moment of transparent sadness, but rather see that it's actually all a part of the healing process.  I hope you see the fact that I am able to  feel anything at all is proof of God's grace.  So while I may have been forever altered, I am not a shell of who I once was. Rather, I am a living, breathing reminder that God heals the broken-hearted. I am proof that faith changes everything...

***

I can't wait for the day when my dream becomes a reality.  We miss you Elli girl.  Happy 6th birthday my love.  We can't wait for the day we get to party with you. Until then...

We love you.

 

Just a little picture

I'm trying to get better at blogging.  {I know, I know.  I say that all the time...I'm trying :)} I have lot's of posts floating around in my head, but for now here's a few pictures of my princess.  These were all taken at Christmas.

 Being silly at church

 She brightens my every day

 Excited about her new doll house Gram got her

 Posing with her new princess crown from Poppa Jack and Nana

 Poppa Jack and his little razorback princess

 Sleepy Christmas morning

 

Okay, seriously. That was way harder than it needed to be.  Why is it giving me such problems uploading pictures?  Actually, the uploading was fine.  It keeps making the layout of the pictures look funky.  Anyway, hopefully it all looks centered now.  

So many things...

So many things I should be doing right now....

I should be cleaning the house.
I should be doing the dishes.
I should be organizing the house.
I should be organizing the garage.
I should be listing stuff on Craigslist.
I should be writing a {real} blog post.
I should be working out.
I should be doing laundry.
I should be doing my taxes.
I should be editing pictures.
I should be painting the giant canvas in my kitchen.
I should be touching up the paint on the walls.
I should be cleaning out the fridge.
I should be making a grocery list.
I should be planning out the rest of my week.
I should be figuring out what I'm going to wear to the ballet on Friday.

So many things I should be doing right now....BUT...

I'm going to cuddle with my girl and take a nap.  Because this time with her is fleeting all to quickly and it is {way} more important that any of the things I should be doing. 

Here lately...

It's been a while since I've done one of these.  So it's more of a "here the last 4 months" rather than a "here lately" but you get the idea!  So drum roll please...... our life in pictures over the last 4 months!

 

I love when she stands like this...

 Little miss diva ready to walk out the door for church. 

{She also has a purse if you look behind the baby.}

 Playing Putt Putt with Daddy.

 We love summer time!!

 

Transitioned to her new big girl bed.

{Ask me if she sleeps in it....}

 Best friends sharing secrets

  Playing dress up!!

 haha!  Helping Mommy make chocolate chip cookies!

Meeting baby Zoe Kate for the first time!  

{She's a natural! ;)}

 Excited to go to the fair!

{And if you know her at all, you know her shirt is so true!}

She had so much fun feeding all the animals!

Our little farm girl. She was so upset when she had to put everything back.
She thought she was collecting them to take them home. :(

"moooooo!!!"

John Deer green

Just a little mommy and Daddy love.

 One sad little pumpkin

 Painting pumpkins!!

And carving pumpkins!!

Mini fall carnival in the backyard

Cinderella's castle!!

 My Jessie Cowgirl

I love our family!

Getting hyped up on candy....

I love my little cutie patootie!

Check out all that candy!!

Okay, so this is actually going to be Part 1....there are too many pictures! ;)  At least I got caught up through the end of October.  So stay tuned for Part 2...

This year

**Please let me start by saying I'm sorry if I offended anyone with my last post.  I had simply planned on talking about how 28 and I aren't friends...yet...and my goals for this coming year, but instead, it unleashed a fury of junk I've been keeping inside.  Granted, I've been wanting to write a post about how badly I want to be pregnant again, and a post about the financial aftermath of loosing a child and how they coincide.  I just hadn't planned on doing it there.  Not that anyone has said that they are, but, again, I apologize if I offended anyone.  I promise that was not ever my intent.  The hubs thinks it was a bit harsh.  And he's probably right.  I'm generally not that blunt.  I assure you it was not about anyone in particular.  The "you" I was referring to wasn't actually you {my readers}...simply a blanket statement, generic "you".  Again, I'm seriously sorry if anyone was offended or hurt or felt attacked in anyway**

Okay, so my goals for this year.

We were at lunch Sunday celebrating mine and a friend's birthday when he {bday friend} turned to me and asked what all God had been doing in my life this past year and what I wanted to see happen next year.  It was funny that he asked because I had just been thinking about that very thing in the shower that morning.  This past year God has shown me a lot about trusting him {you'd think I'd have that one down by now...} and that even when my world seems so unsure and change is all around that he is still there.  I say you'd think I'd have the whole trusting God thing down by now, but the thing with trust is there are always new levels of trust.  I may completely trust in one area but struggle in another.  That doesn't mean that I trust any less in the first.  It simply means I am human.  I. am. human.  And I have a dependency on something greater than myself.  I have to rely on God.  And for that I am thankful.  So while I may get annoyed sometimes that I don't trust God more, he is showing me through that weakness that I can't do this thing called life on my own.  I am only human and without him, I am nothing.  He is teaching me to be thankful for my weaknesses, because through them HE is made stronger in me!  {None of this should be used as excuses though.  We should always try to better our weaknesses.  The whole "but I'm only human" excuse is lame.  But I'm sure you knew that.  *grin* When used as an excuse, it typically means we are looking for justification for our sins.  We are looking for ways to feel okay about giving into our flesh.  Christ called us to die to our flesh, and that my friends, is a daily and sometimes hourly process.}

So what about this year?  What are my goals? Dreams? Hopes and desires?

Well some of them are pretty basic.  Like get back in shape.  Not the New Year's Resolution type get back in shape where I'll fizzle out in 3 weeks time.  But for real.  I've gained XX pounds {Ha! Like I'd actually say how much! ;)} since being married and I'm SO over it.  So over it.  I'm tired of feeling horrible about myself and I'm desperately ready for change.  What am I going to do about it?  Well, we are eating healthier...fyi, holidays=horrible time to try and change your diet.  But we are trying.  We are also purchasing an elliptical.  I have awful joints so running is out of the question.  I'm excited to go and pick it up sometime this week!  Another one...have a baby.  Before I turn 29.  I realize that only leaves a few months to get pregnant and I'm hoping the Lord sees fit.  I also realize that this will put a bit of a damper on the whole losing weight thing.  Luckily for me, I lose weight during my pregnancies and only gain a few pounds over all.  *grin*  {Not that I would try to lose weight while pregnant.  That would be silly.}  Let's see, another is to continue working towards paying down our debt.  We recently just paid off 2 pretty large debts.  We still have 3 credit cards and all of our medical debt.  We are working on a pretty strict budget right now and will hopefully make some pretty good leeway over the next year.  I will be so glad when this burden is lifted!  It's a heavy, heavy burden and I'm so sick of it.  Hmm, what else?  I want to become more organized with my house and time.  Watching kids all day makes it tricky as far as the house is concerned, but I'm determined.  Scott and I both have two weeks off for Christmas, so I'm hoping to declutter and reorganize everything...and sell a ton on Craigslist!  You should see our garage.  Not pretty.  

Okay, now spiritually.  I want to read through the entire Bible in a year.  I've never done it and it's about time.  I also want to find a children's Bible.  We have one, sorta, well, not really.  It has Bible stories in it and it works for now.  But McKinnley

I am thankful for a new year and the change it brings.  I was thinking about change the other day.  And how often, change comes in the form of the road less traveled.  Most of the time I think we tend to think of this as a somewhat scary road.  I mean, it's less traveled, so who knows what could be lurking around the corner.  But remember earlier when I said I was thinking about all of this in the shower?  Hears the picture that came to mind.  A small, winding, country road covered in snow.  On either side of the road are huge barren trees that create a canopy over the path.  Its a beautiful scene.  And not just because of the quaint, picturesque quality it holds.  It's all in the snow.  See, this little road is untraveled, leaving the snow beautiful and unmarked.  There are no footprints, no tire tracks.  Simplistic beauty in it's rawest form.  So, even though it's an unknown path {a road less traveled} it's majestic all on it's own.  Sometimes when God is taking us through change, he leads us to the road less traveled.  And most of the time he leads us down unknown paths.  Instead of fretting over the fact that we don't know where we are going, what we are doing and that we can't clearly see the road in front of us or where it leads, we should step back and soak in the majesty of the moment.  Change can be beautiful, especially when we let God take the lead.  So step out and be the first to make footprints in the snowy path.  Embrace every moment of the change.  Feel the soft crunch of snow beneath your feet.  Dance and twirl like a little child.  Make snow angels and snowmen.  And for goodness sakes throw a snowball or 2.  Know that God will be there with you every step of the way.  Embrace it.  Enjoy it.  You'll be glad you did.

28

Birthdays have never bothered me before.  But this one, man.  I don't think I'm quite digging 28.  I'm sure I'll get over it in the next couple of weeks.  At least I {hope} I do.  When I was younger, people always thought I was older.  Now that I'm older people think I'm younger.  Most of the time it doesn't bother me.  Twice this last year people thought I was still in high school....

Yes, high school. 
 I was 27. 
 It was flattering. 
 Sorta. 

I'd like to at least look like I'm in my twenties.  I should be thankful for it.  I'm sure it will all catch up to me someday.   ....hmm, maybe if I dressed in something other than t-shirt and jeans...  I need a make-over.  *grin*

Anyway, like I said, 28 and I are not getting along.  Why?  Who knows.  Closer to 30?  I don't know, but good grief, what will I do next year when it the last year in my 20's??  I don't even want to think about that right now.  The thought of getting older has never bothered me before and I hate that it is now. 

Maybe it's because there are so many things I wanted to do by the time I was 28.  One of the main things is I wanted to be done having kids by 28 and we aren't anywhere close to that.  We want at least 2 more if not 3.  I know, I know, get cracking at it.  Kin is over 2 1/2 years.  I thought for sure we would have already had another one and be thinking about when to get pregnant again.  But, here I am, still not pregnant.  There have been a lot of factors going into us not having another baby yet.  Like ridiculous amounts debt and medical debt related to everything we went through with Elli.  We simply haven't been able to afford it.  "It" as in the actual pregnancy/delivery process.  For Scott to carry me on his insurance is absurd and I'm self employed so maternity coverage is either non-existent or outrageous.  So where does that leave us?  Paying off debt {slowly I might add} and trying to save up money to have another one.  Ask me how that's going.  Yeah, still not pregnant.

And let me just stop here and say, I just might loose it if one more person feeds me that garbage about "if you wait until you can afford it/are financially stable/are out of debt to have kids, you'll never have them."  {all while chuckling, I might add, at the thought that someone would acutally think about doing that}  It's crap.  Yep, I said it. C.R.A.P.  You don't know my financial situation {or anyone else's for that matter} so please, do yourself a favor...don't pretend like you do.  It's insulting.  Insulting that you think you know our situation better than we do, insulting that you find it comical, insulting that you think we are ignorant to actually try.  Do I think we will be completely 100% out of debt before we have another one?  No, not even a little bit.  But I do know we have to work really hard at getting it down so that if we do get pregnant, we aren't in over our heads and loose our house.  {Not that we are about to...I'm just using it as an example.}  Put yourself in our shoes for a split second and imagine how hard it is to have mounting debt over your dead child all while yearning for another one to fill your arms.  It's heartbreaking.  So, please, please think about the words that are about to exit your mouth before saying them.  You may not mean them will ill-intent, but speaking from experience, they pierce the heart.  Whew...I guess that's been building for a while. 

I digress.

So where was I? Oh yes, trying to pay off debt before getting pregnant again.  So that's a big reason why, but I suppose the biggest reason simply comes down to God's timing.  Because let's be honest, debt or no debt, 28 or not, if it isn't God's timing, it's not gonna happen.  And that's something I'm trying to be at peace with.  I obviously want his perfect will for our family, so it isn't too difficult, but I long for another baby...babies... so bad that some days are harder than others.  Being 28 is reminding me of the harder days.  I know this too shall pass and I rest in knowing that he has the perfect timing, depsite the fact that I think the timing is a bit behind.  And before you think I'm nuts, I know 28 isn't old, not even close.  I know 28 isn't too old to be having babies.  I simply wanted to be a young mom.  My parents, and grandparents for that matter, we pretty young.  My parents were 39 and 41 when I graduated high school and not even in their mid 40's when my younger brother graduated.  All I've had to compare to is being a young parent, hence the desire to be done by 28.  Oh well, not my timing but his.  His is perfect.  Mine is flawed.  I still want a baby. *grin*

So, 28, I'm gonna try and warm up to you, but be patient, I'm getting old. 

Just one of those days

 {grin}