Tuesday, March 18, 2014

I remember...

{Pain may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5}

I remember finding out we were pregnant...

I remember the December day we found out something might be wrong...

I remember the pain of the amniocentesis...

I remember finding out the results.  Something was definitely wrong, but what...

I remember all the testing and piles of medical bills...

I remember the countless times they asked me to abort you...

I remember giving you a chance a life...

I remember the tears, the prayers...

I remember the way you moved...

I remember the day they told us you were gone...

I remember believing for a miracle...

I remember the Sunday morning that my water broke...

I remember the pain of labor...

I remember you being born...

I remember the last time I saw you...

I remember the pain of not getting to hold you...

I remember the haunting question "why?"...

I remember the funeral and what I wore...

I remember the pain, the heartache, the brokenness...

I remember the empty feeling...


I also remember the peace that passed all understanding...

I remember the comfort of the Father...

I remember the faith that stood the test of time...

I remember how He is carrying us through...

I remember that His glory will and is being shown...

I remember finding out we were pregnant with your sister...

I remember seeing time and again His faithfulness through her ultrasounds...

I remember hearing her cry for the first time...

I remember the overwhelming joy of holding her for the first time...

I remember how bittersweet that moment was...

I remember that joy comes in the morning...

We've had a lot of "joyful mornings" since that horribly painful night and I'm so thankful for each and every one.  Tomorrow morning will hold yet another joyful morning.  Baby boy will be making his debut!! Seven years ago was the hardest day of my life, but joy comes in the morning...

Happy birthday baby girl!! Love you forever, miss you always...

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

It's a........

Well, first, thanks to those who have {patiently} waited this announcement. *grin* 

We have had a really fun day of announcing to family and popping confetti balloons and blowing {glitter} and baking a cake. So, I suppose now it's time for a few pictures.

Hmmm....I wonder what the baby will be?!



Let's see, should we drag this out just a {bit} longer?
Okay, fine!


We can't believe it!

 This little lady is having a baby {BROTHER}!!

Scott is beside himself with excitement! He was team boy all the way. I am still in shock. I totally thought it was going to be a girl, so I'm having to {readjust} a bit. But I'm so thrilled! And even though McKinnley was team girl and wanted a baby sister, she is so stoked to have a baby brother!

Now just to name Baby Boy... *grin*

Monday, March 18, 2013


As I sat watching my princess play, my mind began to wander to a place I only dream of.  A place where McKinnley and Ellianna are the best of friends.  A place where they run and twirl and dance and laugh until they fall over.  A place where they share secrets that only sisters can. A place that seems so real, it's hard to believe that it will never exist here on Earth.


This morning I was scrolling through Instagram and came across someone talking about the fact that their daughter was living proof of God's grace.  You see, this little girl had a brain tumor, but today, she's cancer free!  We all rallied behind her, bought bracelets and t-shirts to show our support.  We prayed for her as if she was our own child.  Looking at her now, you would have never known she was in this fight just a short time ago.  She truly is living, breathing proof of God's grace, mercy and healing power.

Our story turned out different.

Six years ago today, life as I knew it forever changed.  On one hand, it seems like a lifetime ago.  On the other, it feels like it was just yesterday.  Six years ago, we were in the biggest fight of our lives.  The doctors had already given us no hope.  They had all but begged me to abort the precious life that lived inside me.  She had already been declared dead and now we were just waiting.  It was in the waiting that my perspective shifted.  For months I had prayed, "God heal my baby!" But now, my prayer was simply, "God, whatever brings you the most glory." In my mind, healing was still the answer.  Raising my dead child back to life as she was delivered was naturally what I thought would bring God the most glory.  It was a no-brainer. 

We arrived at the hospital that morning after my water broke and ask the nurse to check on her.  She confirmed that she was still gone, but it didn't deter us.  We boldly told her and anyone else who would listen that they needed to be prepared if she came out and everything was fine.  We believed that she would be with every fiber of our being.  I suppose some would call that naive.  I call it faith.  "But Amanda, faith didn't change anything."  Ah, but it did.  

Faith changed everything.  

Yes, it true...Ellianna still died and took with her a piece of me.  Hopes and dreams died that day, but faith didn't die.  Faith soared.  Without faith, I would just be an empty shell of the person I used to be.  Faith has taught me that God's ways are higher than mine.  Faith has allowed me to share our story with countless other women who find themselves walking similar paths.  Faith speaks when words fail me.  Faith showed me that somehow, someway the fact that I'm a living, breathing, fully functioning adult brings God more glory than bringing my daughter back to life. 

So while our story did in fact turn out different, this morning I realized that I am proof of God's grace, mercy and healing power.  I read once that "healing doesn't mean the damage {pain} never existed.  It means the damage {pain} no longer controls our lives." If there's one thing I've learned, it's that healing is a process.  I will probably never "arrive" so to speak in the healing department.  But rather, I will walk a daily journey of no longer allowing the pain to control me.  Will there be days that the pain grips me so hard, it takes my breath away? Absolutely.  But if you think for one second that it's a set back, that it means "I'm not healing," you would be sadly mistaken.  Until you've walked the journey of losing a child, you may never understand it.  But I hope you aren't too quick to judge a moment of transparent sadness, but rather see that it's actually all a part of the healing process.  I hope you see the fact that I am able to  feel anything at all is proof of God's grace.  So while I may have been forever altered, I am not a shell of who I once was. Rather, I am a living, breathing reminder that God heals the broken-hearted. I am proof that faith changes everything...

I can't wait for the day when my dream becomes a reality.  We miss you Elli girl.  Happy 6th birthday my love.  We can't wait for the day we get to party with you. Until then...

We love you.


Tuesday, September 13, 2011

What's for {Dinner}

Well, before I get into that, let me acknowledge the fact that yes, I realize it's been just shy of eternity since I last wrote. I {hope} to write an actual update soon, but we're moving so no promises. ;) But I will try. 

So why tease you with this one? Well, because I posted to my facebook and twitter that I was experimenting with my crock pot last night and had a few people ask for the {recipe} and this was the easiest way to post it. So without further ado...

As I mentioned before we're moving. And we all know, moving = packing. Packing = time consuming. And time consuming = little to no time for things like cooking dinner.  It's a very complex mathematical equation.  Clearly. 
So, I started scrounging around and found a few things on hand that I thought might work together.

{Meat}: stew meat to be exact.  
I won't mention how long it's been in my freezer...
{Veggies}: a bag of Normandy Blend frozen veggies.
cauliflower, broccoli, carrots, zucchini, and squash
{Cream of Mushroom Soup}: no explanation needed, just wanted to keep it uniform.
{Onion soup mix}: Lipton Recipe Secrets.
It had some great recipes right on the box. Must try the onion oven-roasted potatoes.
{Rice}: I used Minute brown rice, but I suppose any would do.
{Water}: You only need 3/4 a cup, but I added more.

Okay, so I was originally going to use potatoes instead of rice, but Scott forgot to get them at the store so I improvised. I think it would have been delicious with the potatoes, I {dare} say even better, but this was still yummy! 
Once I decided I would do rice instead, I thought it would have turned out more like Chinese. 
Not so much.  
I should have used meat and ingredients that lend themselves to Chinese flavors. Next time. This ended up tasting more like roast because of the type of meat I used...which is exactly why I think the potatoes would have tasted better. Another next time.

I threw {everything} into the crock pot at once except the rice.  I added that the last 30-45 minutes or so. I should have realized that throwing the veggies in for the entire 8 hours would turn them to mush, but alas, it didn't dawn on me until it was too late. 
But, I don't care.  
Let's be honest here, Kinnley hates vegetables and I don't love them. 
Okay, I don't like them either.  
{I tolerate them.}
So, I didn't mind one bit that I couldn't taste or feel the texture of the veggies.  You probably will though, so I suggest you put the veggies in either with the rice or just before
Not only will you {see} the vegetables your eating, but it will be prettier too. 
This was not an attractive meal. 
But again, I didn't care
Everybody liked it including Miss Picky herself, so I call it a hit. 

Eat it as is. Or not.
Tweak it by adding potatoes instead of rice.
Or change the meat and seasoning...chicken would work to...and make it more like Chinese.

Oh and sorry I didn't post any pictures. I didn't take any. And that's probably for the best. 
It wasn't pretty. 
Hopefully yours will be better.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Just a little picture

I'm trying to get better at blogging.  {I know, I know.  I say that all the time...I'm trying :)} I have lot's of posts floating around in my head, but for now here's a few pictures of my princess.  These were all taken at Christmas.
 Being silly at church

 She brightens my every day

 Excited about her new doll house Gram got her

 Posing with her new princess crown from Poppa Jack and Nana

 Poppa Jack and his little razorback princess

 Sleepy Christmas morning

Okay, seriously. That was way harder than it needed to be.  Why is it giving me such problems uploading pictures?  Actually, the uploading was fine.  It keeps making the layout of the pictures look funky.  Anyway, hopefully it all looks centered now.  

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

So many things...

So many things I should be doing right now....

I should be cleaning the house.
I should be doing the dishes.
I should be organizing the house.
I should be organizing the garage.
I should be listing stuff on Craigslist.
I should be writing a {real} blog post.
I should be working out.
I should be doing laundry.
I should be doing my taxes.
I should be editing pictures.
I should be painting the giant canvas in my kitchen.
I should be touching up the paint on the walls.
I should be cleaning out the fridge.
I should be making a grocery list.
I should be planning out the rest of my week.
I should be figuring out what I'm going to wear to the ballet on Friday.

So many things I should be doing right now....BUT...

I'm going to cuddle with my girl and take a nap.  Because this time with her is fleeting all to quickly and it is {way} more important that any of the things I should be doing. 

Friday, December 10, 2010

Here lately...

It's been a while since I've done one of these.  So it's more of a "here the last 4 months" rather than a "here lately" but you get the idea!  So drum roll please...... our life in pictures over the last 4 months!

I love when she stands like this...

 Little miss diva ready to walk out the door for church. 
{She also has a purse if you look behind the baby.}

 Playing Putt Putt with Daddy.

 We love summer time!!

Transitioned to her new big girl bed.
{Ask me if she sleeps in it....}

 Best friends sharing secrets

  Playing dress up!!

 haha!  Helping Mommy make chocolate chip cookies!

Meeting baby Zoe Kate for the first time!  
{She's a natural! ;)}

 Excited to go to the fair!
{And if you know her at all, you know her shirt is so true!}

She had so much fun feeding all the animals!

Our little farm girl. She was so upset when she had to put everything back.
She thought she was collecting them to take them home. :(


John Deer green

Just a little mommy and Daddy love.

 One sad little pumpkin

 Painting pumpkins!!

And carving pumpkins!!

Mini fall carnival in the backyard

Cinderella's castle!!

 My Jessie Cowgirl

I love our family!

Getting hyped up on candy....

I love my little cutie patootie!

Check out all that candy!!

Okay, so this is actually going to be Part 1....there are too many pictures! ;)  At least I got caught up through the end of October.  So stay tuned for Part 2...