Wednesday, December 8, 2010


Birthdays have never bothered me before.  But this one, man.  I don't think I'm quite digging 28.  I'm sure I'll get over it in the next couple of weeks.  At least I {hope} I do.  When I was younger, people always thought I was older.  Now that I'm older people think I'm younger.  Most of the time it doesn't bother me.  Twice this last year people thought I was still in high school....

Yes, high school. 
 I was 27. 
 It was flattering. 

I'd like to at least look like I'm in my twenties.  I should be thankful for it.  I'm sure it will all catch up to me someday.   ....hmm, maybe if I dressed in something other than t-shirt and jeans...  I need a make-over.  *grin*

Anyway, like I said, 28 and I are not getting along.  Why?  Who knows.  Closer to 30?  I don't know, but good grief, what will I do next year when it the last year in my 20's??  I don't even want to think about that right now.  The thought of getting older has never bothered me before and I hate that it is now. 

Maybe it's because there are so many things I wanted to do by the time I was 28.  One of the main things is I wanted to be done having kids by 28 and we aren't anywhere close to that.  We want at least 2 more if not 3.  I know, I know, get cracking at it.  Kin is over 2 1/2 years.  I thought for sure we would have already had another one and be thinking about when to get pregnant again.  But, here I am, still not pregnant.  There have been a lot of factors going into us not having another baby yet.  Like ridiculous amounts debt and medical debt related to everything we went through with Elli.  We simply haven't been able to afford it.  "It" as in the actual pregnancy/delivery process.  For Scott to carry me on his insurance is absurd and I'm self employed so maternity coverage is either non-existent or outrageous.  So where does that leave us?  Paying off debt {slowly I might add} and trying to save up money to have another one.  Ask me how that's going.  Yeah, still not pregnant.

And let me just stop here and say, I just might loose it if one more person feeds me that garbage about "if you wait until you can afford it/are financially stable/are out of debt to have kids, you'll never have them."  {all while chuckling, I might add, at the thought that someone would acutally think about doing that}  It's crap.  Yep, I said it. C.R.A.P.  You don't know my financial situation {or anyone else's for that matter} so please, do yourself a favor...don't pretend like you do.  It's insulting.  Insulting that you think you know our situation better than we do, insulting that you find it comical, insulting that you think we are ignorant to actually try.  Do I think we will be completely 100% out of debt before we have another one?  No, not even a little bit.  But I do know we have to work really hard at getting it down so that if we do get pregnant, we aren't in over our heads and loose our house.  {Not that we are about to...I'm just using it as an example.}  Put yourself in our shoes for a split second and imagine how hard it is to have mounting debt over your dead child all while yearning for another one to fill your arms.  It's heartbreaking.  So, please, please think about the words that are about to exit your mouth before saying them.  You may not mean them will ill-intent, but speaking from experience, they pierce the heart.  Whew...I guess that's been building for a while. 

I digress.

So where was I? Oh yes, trying to pay off debt before getting pregnant again.  So that's a big reason why, but I suppose the biggest reason simply comes down to God's timing.  Because let's be honest, debt or no debt, 28 or not, if it isn't God's timing, it's not gonna happen.  And that's something I'm trying to be at peace with.  I obviously want his perfect will for our family, so it isn't too difficult, but I long for another baby...babies... so bad that some days are harder than others.  Being 28 is reminding me of the harder days.  I know this too shall pass and I rest in knowing that he has the perfect timing, depsite the fact that I think the timing is a bit behind.  And before you think I'm nuts, I know 28 isn't old, not even close.  I know 28 isn't too old to be having babies.  I simply wanted to be a young mom.  My parents, and grandparents for that matter, we pretty young.  My parents were 39 and 41 when I graduated high school and not even in their mid 40's when my younger brother graduated.  All I've had to compare to is being a young parent, hence the desire to be done by 28.  Oh well, not my timing but his.  His is perfect.  Mine is flawed.  I still want a baby. *grin*

So, 28, I'm gonna try and warm up to you, but be patient, I'm getting old

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