Tuesday, December 15, 2009

I'm ready to start living again

Wow. My first blog.

I have to admit, I'm not quite sure what to write. (And for those of you that know me, I'm not usually short on words! Ha!) Actually, I'm just not sure where to start.

As I'm sure you probably already read in the "About me" section, this blog is about my journey through life and the ups and downs that I've faced. I've had a lot of defining moments in my life, some good, some bad, but they've all shaped me into the woman I am today. I would not be the same without them. One of the biggest, most defining moments came with the death of my first daughter, Ellianna. I will get into that more later. (Don't worry, there will be plenty of blogs about her and the whole experience, but for now, you'll have to wait. :)) Anyway, like I was saying, in all of my life I've never had anything impact me the way she did. A piece of me died on March 18, 2007. A huge piece. It's been a year and nine months since my sweet Elli went to heaven...it's been a year and nine months since I've really lived. I mean, sure, I'm clearly alive and breathing and going on about my life, but I haven't really been living it. Does that make sense? And please, don't misunderstand me. I have a wonderfully amazing husband and an incredible daughter that words cannot even begin to describe. There are definitely moments when I feel alive with them, a lot of moments actually. But I'm ready for those moments to connect and create a beautifully orchestrated masterpiece. I'm ready to fully come alive again. (You can count on there being plenty of posts about those two as well. I just had to start somewhere, and it makes the most sense to start with Elli...) :)

When I was typing up the "About me" section and wrote the words, "but I'm ready to start living again" it hit me like I ton of bricks. I think it was at that moment, with tears rolling down my face, that I fully realized that I haven't been. I've felt like a zombie the last 21 months, though it may not look like it from the outside (or maybe it does and I'm just that delusional...hehe). I try to put on a good face for everyone, so I put on a smile and go through the motions. But on the inside I'm hurting and broken and crying out, kinda like when you have a bad dream. In the dream you want nothing more than to scream for help, but all that comes out is silence. I'm ready to break the silence.

I know that I will never be the same. You rarely are after life-defining moments, and well, honestly, you shouldn't be. But God knew when he created me that this would forever change me. I'm glad he knew that and yet, still trusted my husband and I enough to say, "they can handle it." He knew it wouldn't completely break us. I am so thankful that his grace has sustained me and that he has been patient enough with me to carry me through to this point. I'm finally ready (or at least I think I am!) to face this and sort through all the emotions, anger and hurt. I know it won't be easy, or pretty for that matter. I know that there will be lots of shed tears, but I KNOW it WILL BE worth it. I owe it to my friends and family, to my husband, Scott, and my precious Kinnley. Those two deserve the best wife and mom that I can be.

They are my legacy. And it's going to be a great one.

1 comment:

  1. I can totally relate to your first post. One day I just broke down for no real reason and my Mom said, "I had no idea you were so sad..." I told her, "It is so hard to explain but no matter how many years that pass I have to choose everything that everyone else takes for granted otherwise the grief will just suck me in." Praying that soon you will really "feel" again and that we can both start living without thinking about it! :)