Sunday, September 19, 2010

As previously stated

I've been a horrible blogger.  I mean, May?  Really, May was the last time I posted?!  Crazy!!  I guess I've been a little busier this summer than I realized.  Summers are always busy for us, but seriously....M.A.Y.

Actually, if we're all going to be honest here, I just haven't felt like blogging.  :/ It was easier not to go there.  Every time I would log on and sit down to start writing, I just couldn't bring myself to go to that place of vulnerability.  So instead, I just shut my brain off and started catching up on other blogs.  {It was easier.}  I didn't have to think.  I didn't have to go to that wounded place.  I didn't have to hurt.  I didn't have to cry.  I couldn't even bring myself to write a light-hearted blog about Kinnley.

Weird, I know.

Good grief it's taken me almost 3 weeks to write this one. {oops!} (not to mention all other unfinished posts dating back to March...)

And I'm not sure why.

I know that writing will help to heal the pain.  I know that it brings me complete and total joy to write about my little miss sassy pants.  And yet, it's all seemed too hard.  As if writing about McKinnley was wrong.  Well, wrong isn't the right word, but frankly I don't know what is.  Sometimes it just feels like if I write about the things that bring me joy, if I go on living, then it's as if Ellianna didn't die.  {Not as in she's still alive, but that I somehow must not be grieving enough.} ....but if I stop living, then her death, HER LIFE, was in vain.  And I will {not} let it be in vain. 

I know that the devil would love for me to believe that if I go on living, and not just living, but living joyfully, that I must not be honoring her.  I know he would love nothing more than to have me wallow in self pity and be miserable.  I also know it's a lie.  One that I refuse to believe.  Refuse!  No longer.  How does my being depressed {sometimes to the point of not being able to function} honor Elli?  My family?  McKinnley?  More than that, how does that bring honor to God?  Well, it doesn't.  So forgive me.  Please.  Forgive me for not living life to the fullest.  Forgive me, at times, for just simply existing. 

Yesterday marked 3 1/2 years since Ellianna went to be with Jesus.  Three and a half years.  Unbelievable.  So much has happened.  So much has changed.  But it's time for one more change.  Me.  I'm ready.  I'm ready to find myself again. 

Here goes nothing.....

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