A few things I don't want to forget....

I'm horrible at writing stuff down in McKinnley's baby book...In fact, I'm not sure if I've written anything in it. Horrible, I know. I always just take a picture of the certain event or milestone and *plan* on putting it in her book. I haven't quite got to the "putting it in" part yet, but I guess I at least still have the picture and can put it in later, right? Right! At least that's what I keep telling myself! ::grin:: So it's really not that big of a problem that I haven't officially documented rolling over, sitting up, first steps and so forth since I have the pictures with the dates. (Or at least that's what I keep telling myself!) But now she's is learning stuff left and right, most of which I can't document with a camera, so that {is} a problem. Which brings me to the point of these ramblings ::grin:: Here are a few things about my precious Kinnley-boo that I don't want to forget.

McKinnley Grace
{20 months old}

-You can and do say pretty much anything
which always tends to shock people
-You can form complete sentences, short, but complete
::grin::
-Your favorite phrases right now are:
. oh no! what happened? (or "huh happen"...depending on how fast you say it)
. where daddy go?
. where kinnley go? UH! there she is!!
. hold you manda...to which I correct and make you say momma :)
. you point and say "you" if you see a picture of yourself
. soshun (lotion)
. oh my gosh...we're working on that one :-/
. oh my goodness
. bless you (when we sneeze or blow our noses)
. you pronounce your "k" and hard "c" sounds like "t's" most of the time
{example: kitty cat = titty tat}
::grin::
. Jesus, Hallelu
. apple {nipple...yeah I'm not thrilled about that one. You can thank your daddy for that}
. awww, it's tute {cute}
. lay down, look at lights. Pretty. Pretty lights momma (This of course was at Christmas time when we would lay under the tree and look up at the lights.)
I'm sure there are many, many more cute phrases and sayings, but that's all I can think of off the top of my head.

-Since we got back from Christmas vacation in IA, you have a new nightly routine:
. you now refuse to lay down without out being rocked and sung to
. you say "rock you momma. Jesus, hallelu. Twinkle star" or any combination of the three
{Jesus, hallelu is "Jesus loves me" just a different version}
. you tend to add a new stuffed animal to the mix every night...I keep having to hide them
{baby, blanket, puppy are the norm with different ones thrown in}
. You have to tuck in Mousey {Minnie Mouse}, Baby and Dora every night. You usually do this to stall having to go to bed.

-Some of your favorite toys and books are:
. any stuffed animal or baby doll
{You love to rock your baby and sing "Jesus, Hallelu" to her. Cutest. Thing. Ever.}
. Dora doll and prush (brush)
. keys, real or pretend
. puzzles
. rocking horse
. balls
. bubbles
. coloring
. your bouncing zebra thing (descriptive, I know)
. microphone
. phone...iphone to be exact. It's scary how well you know how to use it...
. Noah's ark
. blocks
.you love for me to draw handprint turkeys on your magnadoodle
. Daddy hugs
. Pajama time
. Five little monkeys
. Where is baby's belly button
. Twinkle toes
. either of your Elmo books

-Your favorite things to eat right now are:
. chicken
. mac & cheese
. Cheese. period.
. pretty much any fruit
. NOT any vegetable...and oh does that frustrate me!
. fraphers {crackers}
. bacon
. cereal
. oatmeal
. yogurt
. applesauce

-You can count to 3. Sometime 5, but you usually skip 4
-You can recognize the letters {capital} A,B,C,D,E,F,G,I,T and are learning at least one new one everyday
-You've been able to sign "more", "please", "eat" and "all done" since you were 9 months old. You can now say all of them, but you occasionally still sign it as you say it.
-You make associations really well, especially with people. You know who belongs with who.
{example: gram, nathan, roxie, abby and jax or papa jack, nana, sissy (Kinsey) and trudy}
-You can recognize people in pictures very easily

-Your favorite cartoons are:
. Dora
. Wow wow
. Backyardigans
. Wonder pets
. Veggie Tales

-You love to climb...anything and everything
-You love to dance and do the {cutest} booty shake and ~everyone~ asks you to do it. It always makes them smile/laugh

-You've pee peed in potty twice and will {hopefully} master it soon!!!

McKinnley, I love you so so much. You light up my world everyday. I can't wait to see what your next {new} thing is!

............did I say a {few} things...oops!! :::::::grin:::::::

Ready, set, go

Figuring out where to start (or in this case, how to start) has always been a challenge for me. Whenever I would write a paper in high school or college, I would always know what I wanted to say, but it was the figuring out how to start it out that got me every time. (The same holds true when it comes to cleaning/organizing my house....but that's another story! :)) Thesis statements, ugh, those where the worst! I hated them! Anyway, my point is, I'm finding it difficult to figure out what to say or where to start. Most people tend to journal as things are happening in their lives. I, on the other hand, refused to. I didn't want to face it and wanted to think everything was okay. So going back almost 3 years seems kinda silly, but necessary.

I thought about just starting with telling you about how I met my husband, seeing as how he plays such an intricate part in this process as well, but it just felt too random... Does that even make sense?! I have had this post in my draft for weeks, but I've still yet to complete it. Not sure why really. I think I've just been so emotionally drained over the holidays and since then that I have not had the energy to open up the can of worms that it will inevitably be. (not my husband, but writing about Elli! :)) That being said, this is going to be more difficult, draining, and time consuming than I thought. I suppose it doesn't help either that I've been staying up WAY too late...it's currently 12:25 a.m. Which probably and almost definitely contributes to why I've not had the energy to write lately.... hmmm....

Anyway, I will write. I will. I will lay my heart out there. I will be transparent. I will try to put into words what I'm feeling, thinking and going through. I will write how it's affected us in every aspect of our lives and still does. I will write about my amazing husband and my sweet McKinnley and the {absolute} joy they bring me each and everyday. I will. I will, I will, I will. But first......sleep! :) (12:57 a.m. I'm just saying...)

I will leave you with this, however. Tell me that doesn't make you smile!

I'm ready to start living again

Wow. My first blog.

I have to admit, I'm not quite sure what to write. (And for those of you that know me, I'm not usually short on words! Ha!) Actually, I'm just not sure where to start.

As I'm sure you probably already read in the "About me" section, this blog is about my journey through life and the ups and downs that I've faced. I've had a lot of defining moments in my life, some good, some bad, but they've all shaped me into the woman I am today. I would not be the same without them. One of the biggest, most defining moments came with the death of my first daughter, Ellianna. I will get into that more later. (Don't worry, there will be plenty of blogs about her and the whole experience, but for now, you'll have to wait. :)) Anyway, like I was saying, in all of my life I've never had anything impact me the way she did. A piece of me died on March 18, 2007. A huge piece. It's been a year and nine months since my sweet Elli went to heaven...it's been a year and nine months since I've really lived. I mean, sure, I'm clearly alive and breathing and going on about my life, but I haven't really been living it. Does that make sense? And please, don't misunderstand me. I have a wonderfully amazing husband and an incredible daughter that words cannot even begin to describe. There are definitely moments when I feel alive with them, a lot of moments actually. But I'm ready for those moments to connect and create a beautifully orchestrated masterpiece. I'm ready to fully come alive again. (You can count on there being plenty of posts about those two as well. I just had to start somewhere, and it makes the most sense to start with Elli...) :)

When I was typing up the "About me" section and wrote the words, "but I'm ready to start living again" it hit me like I ton of bricks. I think it was at that moment, with tears rolling down my face, that I fully realized that I haven't been. I've felt like a zombie the last 21 months, though it may not look like it from the outside (or maybe it does and I'm just that delusional...hehe). I try to put on a good face for everyone, so I put on a smile and go through the motions. But on the inside I'm hurting and broken and crying out, kinda like when you have a bad dream. In the dream you want nothing more than to scream for help, but all that comes out is silence. I'm ready to break the silence.

I know that I will never be the same. You rarely are after life-defining moments, and well, honestly, you shouldn't be. But God knew when he created me that this would forever change me. I'm glad he knew that and yet, still trusted my husband and I enough to say, "they can handle it." He knew it wouldn't completely break us. I am so thankful that his grace has sustained me and that he has been patient enough with me to carry me through to this point. I'm finally ready (or at least I think I am!) to face this and sort through all the emotions, anger and hurt. I know it won't be easy, or pretty for that matter. I know that there will be lots of shed tears, but I KNOW it WILL BE worth it. I owe it to my friends and family, to my husband, Scott, and my precious Kinnley. Those two deserve the best wife and mom that I can be.

They are my legacy. And it's going to be a great one.