I remember...

{Pain may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5}
 ..................................................................................................................

I remember finding out we were pregnant...

I remember the December day we found out something might be wrong...

I remember the pain of the amniocentesis...

I remember finding out the results.  Something was definitely wrong, but what...

I remember all the testing and piles of medical bills...

I remember the countless times they asked me to abort you...

I remember giving you a chance a life...

I remember the tears, the prayers...

I remember the way you moved...

I remember the day they told us you were gone...

I remember believing for a miracle...

I remember the Sunday morning that my water broke...

I remember the pain of labor...

I remember you being born...

I remember the last time I saw you...

I remember the pain of not getting to hold you...

I remember the haunting question "why?"...

I remember the funeral and what I wore...

I remember the pain, the heartache, the brokenness...

I remember the empty feeling...

But......

I also remember the peace that passed all understanding...

I remember the comfort of the Father...

I remember the faith that stood the test of time...

I remember how He is carrying us through...

I remember that His glory will and is being shown...

I remember finding out we were pregnant with your sister...

I remember seeing time and again His faithfulness through her ultrasounds...

I remember hearing her cry for the first time...

I remember the overwhelming joy of holding her for the first time...

I remember how bittersweet that moment was...

I remember that joy comes in the morning...



We've had a lot of "joyful mornings" since that horribly painful night and I'm so thankful for each and every one.  Tomorrow morning will hold yet another joyful morning.  Baby boy will be making his debut!! Seven years ago was the hardest day of my life, but joy comes in the morning...


Happy birthday baby girl!! Love you forever, miss you always...

It's a........

Well, first, thanks to those who have {patiently} waited this announcement. *grin* 

We have had a really fun day of announcing to family and popping confetti balloons and blowing {glitter} and baking a cake. So, I suppose now it's time for a few pictures.

Hmmm....I wonder what the baby will be?!

It's.....

A.....

Let's see, should we drag this out just a {bit} longer?

No?!

Okay, fine!

BOY!!!!

We can't believe it!

 This little lady is having a baby {BROTHER}!!

Scott is beside himself with excitement! He was team boy all the way. I am still in shock. I totally thought it was going to be a girl, so I'm having to {readjust} a bit. But I'm so thrilled! And even though McKinnley was team girl and wanted a baby sister, she is so stoked to have a baby brother!

Now just to name Baby Boy... *grin*

3.18.07

As I sat watching my princess play, my mind began to wander to a place I only dream of.  A place where McKinnley and Ellianna are the best of friends.  A place where they run and twirl and dance and laugh until they fall over.  A place where they share secrets that only sisters can. A place that seems so real, it's hard to believe that it will never exist here on Earth.

***

This morning I was scrolling through Instagram and came across someone talking about the fact that their daughter was living proof of God's grace.  You see, this little girl had a brain tumor, but today, she's cancer free!  We all rallied behind her, bought bracelets and t-shirts to show our support.  We prayed for her as if she was our own child.  Looking at her now, you would have never known she was in this fight just a short time ago.  She truly is living, breathing proof of God's grace, mercy and healing power.

Our story turned out different.

Six years ago today, life as I knew it forever changed.  On one hand, it seems like a lifetime ago.  On the other, it feels like it was just yesterday.  Six years ago, we were in the biggest fight of our lives.  The doctors had already given us no hope.  They had all but begged me to abort the precious life that lived inside me.  She had already been declared dead and now we were just waiting.  It was in the waiting that my perspective shifted.  For months I had prayed, "God heal my baby!" But now, my prayer was simply, "God, whatever brings you the most glory." In my mind, healing was still the answer.  Raising my dead child back to life as she was delivered was naturally what I thought would bring God the most glory.  It was a no-brainer. 

We arrived at the hospital that morning after my water broke and ask the nurse to check on her.  She confirmed that she was still gone, but it didn't deter us.  We boldly told her and anyone else who would listen that they needed to be prepared if she came out and everything was fine.  We believed that she would be with every fiber of our being.  I suppose some would call that naive.  I call it faith.  "But Amanda, faith didn't change anything."  Ah, but it did.  

Faith changed everything.  

Yes, it true...Ellianna still died and took with her a piece of me.  Hopes and dreams died that day, but faith didn't die.  Faith soared.  Without faith, I would just be an empty shell of the person I used to be.  Faith has taught me that God's ways are higher than mine.  Faith has allowed me to share our story with countless other women who find themselves walking similar paths.  Faith speaks when words fail me.  Faith showed me that somehow, someway the fact that I'm a living, breathing, fully functioning adult brings God more glory than bringing my daughter back to life. 

So while our story did in fact turn out different, this morning I realized that I am proof of God's grace, mercy and healing power.  I read once that "healing doesn't mean the damage {pain} never existed.  It means the damage {pain} no longer controls our lives." If there's one thing I've learned, it's that healing is a process.  I will probably never "arrive" so to speak in the healing department.  But rather, I will walk a daily journey of no longer allowing the pain to control me.  Will there be days that the pain grips me so hard, it takes my breath away? Absolutely.  But if you think for one second that it's a set back, that it means "I'm not healing," you would be sadly mistaken.  Until you've walked the journey of losing a child, you may never understand it.  But I hope you aren't too quick to judge a moment of transparent sadness, but rather see that it's actually all a part of the healing process.  I hope you see the fact that I am able to  feel anything at all is proof of God's grace.  So while I may have been forever altered, I am not a shell of who I once was. Rather, I am a living, breathing reminder that God heals the broken-hearted. I am proof that faith changes everything...

***

I can't wait for the day when my dream becomes a reality.  We miss you Elli girl.  Happy 6th birthday my love.  We can't wait for the day we get to party with you. Until then...

We love you.

 

Just a little picture

I'm trying to get better at blogging.  {I know, I know.  I say that all the time...I'm trying :)} I have lot's of posts floating around in my head, but for now here's a few pictures of my princess.  These were all taken at Christmas.

 Being silly at church

 She brightens my every day

 Excited about her new doll house Gram got her

 Posing with her new princess crown from Poppa Jack and Nana

 Poppa Jack and his little razorback princess

 Sleepy Christmas morning

 

Okay, seriously. That was way harder than it needed to be.  Why is it giving me such problems uploading pictures?  Actually, the uploading was fine.  It keeps making the layout of the pictures look funky.  Anyway, hopefully it all looks centered now.  

So many things...

So many things I should be doing right now....

I should be cleaning the house.
I should be doing the dishes.
I should be organizing the house.
I should be organizing the garage.
I should be listing stuff on Craigslist.
I should be writing a {real} blog post.
I should be working out.
I should be doing laundry.
I should be doing my taxes.
I should be editing pictures.
I should be painting the giant canvas in my kitchen.
I should be touching up the paint on the walls.
I should be cleaning out the fridge.
I should be making a grocery list.
I should be planning out the rest of my week.
I should be figuring out what I'm going to wear to the ballet on Friday.

So many things I should be doing right now....BUT...

I'm going to cuddle with my girl and take a nap.  Because this time with her is fleeting all to quickly and it is {way} more important that any of the things I should be doing. 

Here lately...

It's been a while since I've done one of these.  So it's more of a "here the last 4 months" rather than a "here lately" but you get the idea!  So drum roll please...... our life in pictures over the last 4 months!

 

I love when she stands like this...

 Little miss diva ready to walk out the door for church. 

{She also has a purse if you look behind the baby.}

 Playing Putt Putt with Daddy.

 We love summer time!!

 

Transitioned to her new big girl bed.

{Ask me if she sleeps in it....}

 Best friends sharing secrets

  Playing dress up!!

 haha!  Helping Mommy make chocolate chip cookies!

Meeting baby Zoe Kate for the first time!  

{She's a natural! ;)}

 Excited to go to the fair!

{And if you know her at all, you know her shirt is so true!}

She had so much fun feeding all the animals!

Our little farm girl. She was so upset when she had to put everything back.
She thought she was collecting them to take them home. :(

"moooooo!!!"

John Deer green

Just a little mommy and Daddy love.

 One sad little pumpkin

 Painting pumpkins!!

And carving pumpkins!!

Mini fall carnival in the backyard

Cinderella's castle!!

 My Jessie Cowgirl

I love our family!

Getting hyped up on candy....

I love my little cutie patootie!

Check out all that candy!!

Okay, so this is actually going to be Part 1....there are too many pictures! ;)  At least I got caught up through the end of October.  So stay tuned for Part 2...

This year

**Please let me start by saying I'm sorry if I offended anyone with my last post.  I had simply planned on talking about how 28 and I aren't friends...yet...and my goals for this coming year, but instead, it unleashed a fury of junk I've been keeping inside.  Granted, I've been wanting to write a post about how badly I want to be pregnant again, and a post about the financial aftermath of loosing a child and how they coincide.  I just hadn't planned on doing it there.  Not that anyone has said that they are, but, again, I apologize if I offended anyone.  I promise that was not ever my intent.  The hubs thinks it was a bit harsh.  And he's probably right.  I'm generally not that blunt.  I assure you it was not about anyone in particular.  The "you" I was referring to wasn't actually you {my readers}...simply a blanket statement, generic "you".  Again, I'm seriously sorry if anyone was offended or hurt or felt attacked in anyway**

Okay, so my goals for this year.

We were at lunch Sunday celebrating mine and a friend's birthday when he {bday friend} turned to me and asked what all God had been doing in my life this past year and what I wanted to see happen next year.  It was funny that he asked because I had just been thinking about that very thing in the shower that morning.  This past year God has shown me a lot about trusting him {you'd think I'd have that one down by now...} and that even when my world seems so unsure and change is all around that he is still there.  I say you'd think I'd have the whole trusting God thing down by now, but the thing with trust is there are always new levels of trust.  I may completely trust in one area but struggle in another.  That doesn't mean that I trust any less in the first.  It simply means I am human.  I. am. human.  And I have a dependency on something greater than myself.  I have to rely on God.  And for that I am thankful.  So while I may get annoyed sometimes that I don't trust God more, he is showing me through that weakness that I can't do this thing called life on my own.  I am only human and without him, I am nothing.  He is teaching me to be thankful for my weaknesses, because through them HE is made stronger in me!  {None of this should be used as excuses though.  We should always try to better our weaknesses.  The whole "but I'm only human" excuse is lame.  But I'm sure you knew that.  *grin* When used as an excuse, it typically means we are looking for justification for our sins.  We are looking for ways to feel okay about giving into our flesh.  Christ called us to die to our flesh, and that my friends, is a daily and sometimes hourly process.}

So what about this year?  What are my goals? Dreams? Hopes and desires?

Well some of them are pretty basic.  Like get back in shape.  Not the New Year's Resolution type get back in shape where I'll fizzle out in 3 weeks time.  But for real.  I've gained XX pounds {Ha! Like I'd actually say how much! ;)} since being married and I'm SO over it.  So over it.  I'm tired of feeling horrible about myself and I'm desperately ready for change.  What am I going to do about it?  Well, we are eating healthier...fyi, holidays=horrible time to try and change your diet.  But we are trying.  We are also purchasing an elliptical.  I have awful joints so running is out of the question.  I'm excited to go and pick it up sometime this week!  Another one...have a baby.  Before I turn 29.  I realize that only leaves a few months to get pregnant and I'm hoping the Lord sees fit.  I also realize that this will put a bit of a damper on the whole losing weight thing.  Luckily for me, I lose weight during my pregnancies and only gain a few pounds over all.  *grin*  {Not that I would try to lose weight while pregnant.  That would be silly.}  Let's see, another is to continue working towards paying down our debt.  We recently just paid off 2 pretty large debts.  We still have 3 credit cards and all of our medical debt.  We are working on a pretty strict budget right now and will hopefully make some pretty good leeway over the next year.  I will be so glad when this burden is lifted!  It's a heavy, heavy burden and I'm so sick of it.  Hmm, what else?  I want to become more organized with my house and time.  Watching kids all day makes it tricky as far as the house is concerned, but I'm determined.  Scott and I both have two weeks off for Christmas, so I'm hoping to declutter and reorganize everything...and sell a ton on Craigslist!  You should see our garage.  Not pretty.  

Okay, now spiritually.  I want to read through the entire Bible in a year.  I've never done it and it's about time.  I also want to find a children's Bible.  We have one, sorta, well, not really.  It has Bible stories in it and it works for now.  But McKinnley

I am thankful for a new year and the change it brings.  I was thinking about change the other day.  And how often, change comes in the form of the road less traveled.  Most of the time I think we tend to think of this as a somewhat scary road.  I mean, it's less traveled, so who knows what could be lurking around the corner.  But remember earlier when I said I was thinking about all of this in the shower?  Hears the picture that came to mind.  A small, winding, country road covered in snow.  On either side of the road are huge barren trees that create a canopy over the path.  Its a beautiful scene.  And not just because of the quaint, picturesque quality it holds.  It's all in the snow.  See, this little road is untraveled, leaving the snow beautiful and unmarked.  There are no footprints, no tire tracks.  Simplistic beauty in it's rawest form.  So, even though it's an unknown path {a road less traveled} it's majestic all on it's own.  Sometimes when God is taking us through change, he leads us to the road less traveled.  And most of the time he leads us down unknown paths.  Instead of fretting over the fact that we don't know where we are going, what we are doing and that we can't clearly see the road in front of us or where it leads, we should step back and soak in the majesty of the moment.  Change can be beautiful, especially when we let God take the lead.  So step out and be the first to make footprints in the snowy path.  Embrace every moment of the change.  Feel the soft crunch of snow beneath your feet.  Dance and twirl like a little child.  Make snow angels and snowmen.  And for goodness sakes throw a snowball or 2.  Know that God will be there with you every step of the way.  Embrace it.  Enjoy it.  You'll be glad you did.