A Cultivating Legacy

What's for {Dinner}

2011-09-13T13:39:00.000-05:00

Well, before I get into that, let me acknowledge the fact that yes, I realize it's been just shy of eternity since I last wrote. I {hope} to write an actual update soon, but we're moving so no promises. ;) But I will try.

So why tease you with this one? Well, because I posted to my facebook and twitter that I was experimenting with my crock pot last night and had a few people ask for the {recipe} and this was the easiest way to post it. So without further ado...

As I mentioned before we're moving. And we all know, moving = packing. Packing = time consuming. And time consuming = little to no time for things like cooking dinner. It's a very complex mathematical equation. Clearly.

So, I started scrounging around and found a few things on hand that I thought might work together.

{Meat}: stew meat to be exact.

I won't mention how long it's been in my freezer...

{Veggies}: a bag of Normandy Blend frozen veggies.

cauliflower, broccoli, carrots, zucchini, and squash
{Cream of Mushroom Soup}: no explanation needed, just wanted to keep it uniform.
{Onion soup mix}: Lipton Recipe Secrets.
It had some great recipes right on the box. Must try the onion oven-roasted potatoes.
{Rice}: I used Minute brown rice, but I suppose any would do.
{Water}: You only need 3/4 a cup, but I added more.

Okay, so I was originally going to use potatoes instead of rice, but Scott forgot to get them at the store so I improvised. I think it would have been delicious with the potatoes, I {dare} say even better, but this was still yummy!
Once I decided I would do rice instead, I thought it would have turned out more like Chinese.
Not so much.
I should have used meat and ingredients that lend themselves to Chinese flavors. Next time. This ended up tasting more like roast because of the type of meat I used...which is exactly why I think the potatoes would have tasted better. Another next time.

I threw {everything} into the crock pot at once except the rice. I added that the last 30-45 minutes or so. I should have realized that throwing the veggies in for the entire 8 hours would turn them to mush, but alas, it didn't dawn on me until it was too late.
But, I don't care.
Let's be honest here, Kinnley hates vegetables and I don't love them.
Okay, I don't like them either.
{I tolerate them.}
So, I didn't mind one bit that I couldn't taste or feel the texture of the veggies. You probably will though, so I suggest you put the veggies in either with the rice or just before.
Not only will you {see} the vegetables your eating, but it will be prettier too.
This was not an attractive meal.
But again, I didn't care.
Everybody liked it including Miss Picky herself, so I call it a hit.

Eat it as is. Or not.
Tweak it by adding potatoes instead of rice.
Or change the meat and seasoning...chicken would work to...and make it more like Chinese.
{Enjoy.}

Oh and sorry I didn't post any pictures. I didn't take any. And that's probably for the best.
It wasn't pretty.
Hopefully yours will be better.

Dipping sauces will be the death of me

2011-03-08T13:25:00.001-06:00

***First things first. I want to tell you about a couple of ladies who have helped kick my butt in gear in the whole losing weight department. These two gals have recently started blogging about their weight loss journey. One is just starting out. She's been wanting to for a while and the last 3-4 weeks has really been kicking butt at it. I'm so proud of her! Her name is LaDonna. Go check out her journey and encourage her! She needs it...we all need it! :) The other (Becca) has already been there done that and instead of a giving us all a lousy t-shirt, she's blogging about it. And I, for one, am so grateful! She's real, honest, funny and puts things in a way that makes you say, "You know what? I could actually do that too!" You really should go check out her blog. She writes about more than just loosing weight, so if you're not looking to lose a few, you should still check her out anyway. Be encouraged! These two ladies are an inspiration to me and keep me pushing forward, even if they don't know it. Thanks, gals!***

Okay, for real, I love dipping sauces.

Ranch, honey mustard, mayo, Chick-Fil-A sauce...seriously the list could go on and on and....... I don't know why I have such an affection for them, but I would even go as far to say that I'm {borderline obsessed}. Sometimes I feel like I can't eat my meal without them. I mean, we're talking I was the girl who grew up dipping everything in mayonnaise...even my steak.

I still do sometimes. Don't judge, it's good.

I also had this weird thing with dipping not just my fries in my frosty, but my burger or chicken too. We won't discuss whether or not I still do that occasionally...................

Anyway, there is a point to all of this. Dipping sauces=extra calories. Which I suppose used occasionally in moderation isn't necessarily a bad thing. But, if you're anything like me, it's horrible. I am blindly adding hundreds of calories per meal. And for what? Variety? Taste? Out of habit? Who knows, but it needs to stop now!

I have recently (like last Monday) started counting my calories. I've always kinda been overwhelmed by it before. It can seem like such a daunting task, but lucky for me, Becca introduced me to a brilliant website that makes it so easy. You ready for it.................

www.thedailyplate.com

I love it! It helps you see what your calorie intake number should be based on your height, weight, activity level and what you're looking to do. I love it. I can customize it too. Let's say for instance I have a burger. Instead of typing in the bun, the meat, the cheese, the mayo, the pickle....whatever else every single time, I can create a meal and type it in once and then go to my saved meals and voila. Very user friendly! If you're looking to cut the calories or keep track of what you're eating, I highly recommend this site. They also have a mobile app. See, super easy!

I had no clue how many calories I was consuming. Nor did I want to. Actually, I still don't want to know how many I used to consume. But I know what I consume {now} and I feel good about it. I don't just eat because I'm bored. I actually think about what I'm about to eat and whether or not I should make a different decision. I know it's only been a week but I really think (and HOPE) I will stick with this!

As for the dipping sauces...well, it's been nice knowing you, but I'll be putting our relationship on the back burner from now on.

Just a little picture

2011-02-27T21:40:00.000-06:00

I'm trying to get better at blogging. {I know, I know. I say that all the time...I'm trying :)} I have lot's of posts floating around in my head, but for now here's a few pictures of my princess. These were all taken at Christmas.

Being silly at church

She brightens my every day

Excited about her new doll house Gram got her

Posing with her new princess crown from Poppa Jack and Nana

Poppa Jack and his little razorback princess

Sleepy Christmas morning

Okay, seriously. That was way harder than it needed to be. Why is it giving me such problems uploading pictures? Actually, the uploading was fine. It keeps making the layout of the pictures look funky. Anyway, hopefully it all looks centered now.

Put up or Shut up

2011-02-27T21:10:00.001-06:00

{........er, I mean, be quiet. I wouldn't want Kinnley to get onto me. ;)}

Okay, it's high time I stop complaining about my weight and DO something about it. I complain about it all day every day, whether it's out loud or the constant yelling I hear in my mind, it's there. All.Day. Tormenting me. It consumes every thought that runs through my mind. I suppose this sounds a bit dramatic, but unfortunately for me, it's my reality. {I feel trapped.} Trapped by my own body. You would think all of this would motivate me to get off my butt and get my tail in shape. Instead, it has the exact opposite effect. It depresses me even more and sends me running to the chocolate as my comfort. Dumb, right? But true. I keep waiting for the motivation to set in. I don't know what I expect it to look like when it does. But I decided, I'm done waiting around like a pimply faced teenage girl waiting for her star football player crush to call her.

Been there, done that...no need for round two.

So, instead of waiting for this magic motivation to set in....because it has not...I'm going to put my nose to the grindstone and do it. I have to do it. I'm desperate. And motivation or not, desperation makes us do things. So welcome to my journey. I'll write more later, but I wanted to get this on "paper" and start writing about it. Hold me accountable. Ask how I'm doing. Encourage me. Give me tips or advice. Share healthy recipes. I need all of it. Please and thank you.

Here's to dropping the pounds!

So many things...

2011-02-15T13:08:00.000-06:00

So many things I should be doing right now....

I should be cleaning the house.
I should be doing the dishes.
I should be organizing the house.
I should be organizing the garage.
I should be listing stuff on Craigslist.
I should be writing a {real} blog post.
I should be working out.
I should be doing laundry.
I should be doing my taxes.
I should be editing pictures.
I should be painting the giant canvas in my kitchen.
I should be touching up the paint on the walls.
I should be cleaning out the fridge.
I should be making a grocery list.
I should be planning out the rest of my week.
I should be figuring out what I'm going to wear to the ballet on Friday.

So many things I should be doing right now....BUT...

I'm going to cuddle with my girl and take a nap. Because this time with her is fleeting all to quickly and it is {way} more important that any of the things I should be doing.

Here lately...

2010-12-10T17:35:00.001-06:00

It's been a while since I've done one of these. So it's more of a "here the last 4 months" rather than a "here lately" but you get the idea! So drum roll please...... our life in pictures over the last 4 months!

I love when she stands like this...

Little miss diva ready to walk out the door for church.

{She also has a purse if you look behind the baby.}

Playing Putt Putt with Daddy.

We love summer time!!

Transitioned to her new big girl bed.

{Ask me if she sleeps in it....}

Best friends sharing secrets

Playing dress up!!

haha! Helping Mommy make chocolate chip cookies!

Meeting baby Zoe Kate for the first time!

{She's a natural! ;)}

Excited to go to the fair!

{And if you know her at all, you know her shirt is so true!}

She had so much fun feeding all the animals!

Our little farm girl. She was so upset when she had to put everything back.
She thought she was collecting them to take them home. :(

"moooooo!!!"

John Deer green

Just a little mommy and Daddy love.

One sad little pumpkin

Painting pumpkins!!

And carving pumpkins!!

Mini fall carnival in the backyard

Cinderella's castle!!

My Jessie Cowgirl

I love our family!

Getting hyped up on candy....

I love my little cutie patootie!

Check out all that candy!!

Okay, so this is actually going to be Part 1....there are too many pictures! ;) At least I got caught up through the end of October. So stay tuned for Part 2...

This year

2010-12-09T14:15:00.000-06:00

**Please let me start by saying I'm sorry if I offended anyone with my last post. I had simply planned on talking about how 28 and I aren't friends...yet...and my goals for this coming year, but instead, it unleashed a fury of junk I've been keeping inside. Granted, I've been wanting to write a post about how badly I want to be pregnant again, and a post about the financial aftermath of loosing a child and how they coincide. I just hadn't planned on doing it there. Not that anyone has said that they are, but, again, I apologize if I offended anyone. I promise that was not ever my intent. The hubs thinks it was a bit harsh. And he's probably right. I'm generally not that blunt. I assure you it was not about anyone in particular. The "you" I was referring to wasn't actually you {my readers}...simply a blanket statement, generic "you". Again, I'm seriously sorry if anyone was offended or hurt or felt attacked in anyway**

Okay, so my goals for this year.

We were at lunch Sunday celebrating mine and a friend's birthday when he {bday friend} turned to me and asked what all God had been doing in my life this past year and what I wanted to see happen next year. It was funny that he asked because I had just been thinking about that very thing in the shower that morning. This past year God has shown me a lot about trusting him {you'd think I'd have that one down by now...} and that even when my world seems so unsure and change is all around that he is still there. I say you'd think I'd have the whole trusting God thing down by now, but the thing with trust is there are always new levels of trust. I may completely trust in one area but struggle in another. That doesn't mean that I trust any less in the first. It simply means I am human. I. am. human. And I have a dependency on something greater than myself. I have to rely on God. And for that I am thankful. So while I may get annoyed sometimes that I don't trust God more, he is showing me through that weakness that I can't do this thing called life on my own. I am only human and without him, I am nothing. He is teaching me to be thankful for my weaknesses, because through them HE is made stronger in me! {None of this should be used as excuses though. We should always try to better our weaknesses. The whole "but I'm only human" excuse is lame. But I'm sure you knew that. *grin* When used as an excuse, it typically means we are looking for justification for our sins. We are looking for ways to feel okay about giving into our flesh. Christ called us to die to our flesh, and that my friends, is a daily and sometimes hourly process.}

So what about this year? What are my goals? Dreams? Hopes and desires?

Well some of them are pretty basic. Like get back in shape. Not the New Year's Resolution type get back in shape where I'll fizzle out in 3 weeks time. But for real. I've gained XX pounds {Ha! Like I'd actually say how much! ;)} since being married and I'm SO over it. So over it. I'm tired of feeling horrible about myself and I'm desperately ready for change. What am I going to do about it? Well, we are eating healthier...fyi, holidays=horrible time to try and change your diet. But we are trying. We are also purchasing an elliptical. I have awful joints so running is out of the question. I'm excited to go and pick it up sometime this week! Another one...have a baby. Before I turn 29. I realize that only leaves a few months to get pregnant and I'm hoping the Lord sees fit. I also realize that this will put a bit of a damper on the whole losing weight thing. Luckily for me, I lose weight during my pregnancies and only gain a few pounds over all. *grin* {Not that I would try to lose weight while pregnant. That would be silly.} Let's see, another is to continue working towards paying down our debt. We recently just paid off 2 pretty large debts. We still have 3 credit cards and all of our medical debt. We are working on a pretty strict budget right now and will hopefully make some pretty good leeway over the next year. I will be so glad when this burden is lifted! It's a heavy, heavy burden and I'm so sick of it. Hmm, what else? I want to become more organized with my house and time. Watching kids all day makes it tricky as far as the house is concerned, but I'm determined. Scott and I both have two weeks off for Christmas, so I'm hoping to declutter and reorganize everything...and sell a ton on Craigslist! You should see our garage. Not pretty.

Okay, now spiritually. I want to read through the entire Bible in a year. I've never done it and it's about time. I also want to find a children's Bible. We have one, sorta, well, not really. It has Bible stories in it and it works for now. But McKinnley

I am thankful for a new year and the change it brings. I was thinking about change the other day. And how often, change comes in the form of the road less traveled. Most of the time I think we tend to think of this as a somewhat scary road. I mean, it's less traveled, so who knows what could be lurking around the corner. But remember earlier when I said I was thinking about all of this in the shower? Hears the picture that came to mind. A small, winding, country road covered in snow. On either side of the road are huge barren trees that create a canopy over the path. Its a beautiful scene. And not just because of the quaint, picturesque quality it holds. It's all in the snow. See, this little road is untraveled, leaving the snow beautiful and unmarked. There are no footprints, no tire tracks. Simplistic beauty in it's rawest form. So, even though it's an unknown path {a road less traveled} it's majestic all on it's own. Sometimes when God is taking us through change, he leads us to the road less traveled. And most of the time he leads us down unknown paths. Instead of fretting over the fact that we don't know where we are going, what we are doing and that we can't clearly see the road in front of us or where it leads, we should step back and soak in the majesty of the moment. Change can be beautiful, especially when we let God take the lead. So step out and be the first to make footprints in the snowy path. Embrace every moment of the change. Feel the soft crunch of snow beneath your feet. Dance and twirl like a little child. Make snow angels and snowmen. And for goodness sakes throw a snowball or 2. Know that God will be there with you every step of the way. Embrace it. Enjoy it. You'll be glad you did.

28

2010-12-08T12:30:00.001-06:00

Birthdays have never bothered me before. But this one, man. I don't think I'm quite digging 28. I'm sure I'll get over it in the next couple of weeks. At least I {hope} I do. When I was younger, people always thought I was older. Now that I'm older people think I'm younger. Most of the time it doesn't bother me. Twice this last year people thought I was still in high school....

Yes, high school.
I was 27.
It was flattering.
Sorta.

I'd like to at least look like I'm in my twenties. I should be thankful for it. I'm sure it will all catch up to me someday. ....hmm, maybe if I dressed in something other than t-shirt and jeans... I need a make-over. *grin*

Anyway, like I said, 28 and I are not getting along. Why? Who knows. Closer to 30? I don't know, but good grief, what will I do next year when it the last year in my 20's?? I don't even want to think about that right now. The thought of getting older has never bothered me before and I hate that it is now.

Maybe it's because there are so many things I wanted to do by the time I was 28. One of the main things is I wanted to be done having kids by 28 and we aren't anywhere close to that. We want at least 2 more if not 3. I know, I know, get cracking at it. Kin is over 2 1/2 years. I thought for sure we would have already had another one and be thinking about when to get pregnant again. But, here I am, still not pregnant. There have been a lot of factors going into us not having another baby yet. Like ridiculous amounts debt and medical debt related to everything we went through with Elli. We simply haven't been able to afford it. "It" as in the actual pregnancy/delivery process. For Scott to carry me on his insurance is absurd and I'm self employed so maternity coverage is either non-existent or outrageous. So where does that leave us? Paying off debt {slowly I might add} and trying to save up money to have another one. Ask me how that's going. Yeah, still not pregnant.

And let me just stop here and say, I just might loose it if one more person feeds me that garbage about "if you wait until you can afford it/are financially stable/are out of debt to have kids, you'll never have them." {all while chuckling, I might add, at the thought that someone would acutally think about doing that} It's crap. Yep, I said it. C.R.A.P. You don't know my financial situation {or anyone else's for that matter} so please, do yourself a favor...don't pretend like you do. It's insulting. Insulting that you think you know our situation better than we do, insulting that you find it comical, insulting that you think we are ignorant to actually try. Do I think we will be completely 100% out of debt before we have another one? No, not even a little bit. But I do know we have to work really hard at getting it down so that if we do get pregnant, we aren't in over our heads and loose our house. {Not that we are about to...I'm just using it as an example.} Put yourself in our shoes for a split second and imagine how hard it is to have mounting debt over your dead child all while yearning for another one to fill your arms. It's heartbreaking. So, please, please think about the words that are about to exit your mouth before saying them. You may not mean them will ill-intent, but speaking from experience, they pierce the heart. Whew...I guess that's been building for a while.

I digress.

So where was I? Oh yes, trying to pay off debt before getting pregnant again. So that's a big reason why, but I suppose the biggest reason simply comes down to God's timing. Because let's be honest, debt or no debt, 28 or not, if it isn't God's timing, it's not gonna happen. And that's something I'm trying to be at peace with. I obviously want his perfect will for our family, so it isn't too difficult, but I long for another baby...babies... so bad that some days are harder than others. Being 28 is reminding me of the harder days. I know this too shall pass and I rest in knowing that he has the perfect timing, depsite the fact that I think the timing is a bit behind. And before you think I'm nuts, I know 28 isn't old, not even close. I know 28 isn't too old to be having babies. I simply wanted to be a young mom. My parents, and grandparents for that matter, we pretty young. My parents were 39 and 41 when I graduated high school and not even in their mid 40's when my younger brother graduated. All I've had to compare to is being a young parent, hence the desire to be done by 28. Oh well, not my timing but his. His is perfect. Mine is flawed. I still want a baby. *grin*

So, 28, I'm gonna try and warm up to you, but be patient, I'm getting old.

Just one of those days

2010-11-17T08:30:00.003-06:00

{grin}

What was frozen through is newly purposed

2010-11-15T14:33:00.000-06:00

Change.

It happens every day, all around us. Things are constantly moving and ever changing, evolving. And no one can escape it. Change isn't necessarily bad, but it's usually {uncomfortable}. It takes us past that place of knowing and comfort into a deep, dark unknown.

It all depends on the situation, but in general, I'm not a big fan of change. Something to do with that deep, dark unknowing part that gets me.

*Confession: I'm afraid of the dark. There, I said it. I feel liberated. Sorta.

Lately, a lot of change has been going on. Aside, of course, from the aging skin that I just can't seem to escape and the fact that my baby girl isn't so much a baby anymore, {change is happening}. Change in my heart and attitude. Change at work (well technically my hubby's work, but our ministry). {Hopefully} a change in my waistline *grin*. It's inescapable.

All this change has got me thinking, pondering really. Like I said before, I'm not a big fan of change, pocket change, yes. But I know that God is using the change to refine me. I know that God is in the midst of the change.

The other day I was laying in bed trying to take a nap, but {failing miserably} when God reminded me of a song I have always held dear to my heart. Every Season by Nichole Nordeman. I love it. From the moment I first heard it years ago...we won't say how many years...I have loved it. It always finds a way to resurface in my life at just the right time. Usually when I am in "fall" and "winter" and oh so desperately ready for "spring".

Here's to Spring's arrival. May it come quickly. But, in the meantime, I will not {despise} the winter. Instead, I will brace for the bitter cold winds. For in that cold, frozen dead tundra, God is making way for new life to enter. The former things that were dead and frozen through will have new life, new purpose. They will be green again.

I hope this song touches your heart the way it's touched mine. If not now, then later, in the midst of your winter. Because change does happen. And just like the changing of the seasons, it's inevitable. Embrace the change and the refining you will go through. You just might learn something in the process.

Every Season by Nichole Nordeman

Every evening sky, an invitation
To trace the patterned stars
And early in July, a celebration
For freedom that is ours
And I notice You
In children’s games
In those who watch them from the shade
Every drop of sun is full of fun and wonder
You are summer

And even when the trees have just surrendered
To the harvest time
Forfeiting their leaves in late September
And sending us inside
Still I notice You when change begins
And I am braced for colder winds
I will offer thanks for what has been and was to come
You are autumn

And everything in time and under heaven
Finally falls asleep
Wrapped in blankets white, all creation
Shivers underneath
And still I notice you
When branches crack
And in my breath on frosted glass
Even now in death, You open doors for life to enter
You are winter

And everything that’s new has bravely surfaced
Teaching us to breathe
What was frozen through is newly purposed
Turning all things green
So it is with You
And how You make me new
With every season’s change
And so it will be
As You are re-creating me
Summer, autumn, winter, spring

today....

2010-10-22T14:37:00.000-05:00

Started WAY too early. Well, technically, it didn't start any earlier than any other day for me; I just didn't get {near} enough sleep last night. Here's a little recap from 11:00 pm to now.....

:::Went to bed way too late. But unfortunately, it's become a bit of the norm around here. Oops!
:::McKinnley drifted off fairly easily and quickly.
:::I thought for sure I would be asleep by 11:30
:::I would drift off to the point I where I was neither fully asleep nor awake, only to cough myself right out of that weird dream land.
:::{This went on until 2:00 am}
:::Scott came down with something similar to what I'm just now getting over and was up and down all night.
:::McKinnley had nightmares all. night. long. :( She talks and cries in her sleep when she has them. And last night was bad. She normally doesn't wake up from them, but last night she would wake up after a talking episode, crying and asking for me.
:::There were 3 distinct times this happened and it took forever to calm her back down enough so she would go back to sleep.
:::5:30 am awake for NO reason
:::6:15 am awake {again} for no reason
:::6:50 alarm goes off
:::Get up, get ready, fall back asleep on the couch until Malachi showed up.
:::10-something find McKinnley sucking down and entire tube of toothpaste. Luckily it was the flouride-free kind
:::Call poison control to make sure everything would be okay.
:::Oscar told me she should be fine, but would most likely experience diarrehea and possibly dehydration. {He'd be calling back to check}.
:::Art project with McKinnley and Mali. Successfully managed to keep the paint off my carpet!
:::McKinnley refuses to go to sleep during nap time for over an hour.
:::She get up to go to the bathroom and flushes 3/4 of the roll of toilet paper down the toilet.
:::It came within {1/2 an inch} of overflowing.
:::Multiple plunges later, it finally goes down.

:::It's now 2:30 pm and I have a L.O.N.G. night ahead of me. Let's hope it goes a little smoother!

October

2010-10-17T22:07:00.000-05:00

Fall. I love fall. Seasons changing, breathtakingly beautiful landscape, pumpkins, crisp cool air, hayrides, caramel apple cider... It's my {favorite} time of the year. There are so many fun, family oriented activities to take part in, especially in October.

I just wish I had time to participate.

This time of the year is always extremely busy for us {leaving little to no time for blogging}. I try and steal away time to enjoy the wonders of fall, but it seems like all I come away with are fleeting moments clouded by pure exhaustion. But, I'll take what I can get because I refuse to let it completely pass me by.

Until next time....

Ahhh, the joys of Summer....

2010-09-24T14:51:00.001-05:00

It's the simple things in life

that make this heart smile

*smile*

3 years...

2010-09-19T19:33:00.000-05:00

*This is a post I started writing March 26th. It may seem a bit redundant to the previous post, but I feel it perfectly illustrates what life has been for me the past 3 1/2 years. .....a tug of war back and forth. The all-consuming grief vs. the overwhelming desire to not allow myself to be defined by the pain. I'm ready to break this cycle...or for the sake of the illustration...the rope.*

It's been 3 years.

It's been three years.
Three years.

Wow. It just doesn't seem real, no matter how many times I say it. It seems like yesterday. I feel like I've been {stuck} in that moment this whole time.

It's hard.

Exhausting.

Draining.

Depressing.

Sad.

I would have thought 3 years would have made more of a difference than it has. But it hasn't. It still feels so fresh. So raw. And honestly, I don't know what to do. The tears still flow, the heartache still stings. I can't even bring myself to finish this post in a timely manner. (over 6 weeks now)

March 18th was the day.

It's a day that has marked so much in my life. And it's only been three years. It's amazing how that day was such a defining moment. That moment has only affected 3 of the last 27 years of my life and yet it feels like those three years have made up my entire life.

It's all-consuming...

Do I want my life to be {defined} by that moment? By these three years? There's so much more to life, right? So much more that what the last three years have been. I mean, sure, that was a HUGE, monumental, life-changing moment in my life and yes it has rocked me to my core. It has changed so much about it {who} I am. (and probably rightfully, justifiably so) I know I won't ever forget that moment. And I will.not. ever forget her. But I don't want my life to be defined by the pain that moment caused.

*And that's where it ended. Again, easier to stop writing and go on pretending than to face .....anything. Regardless of the fact that I want to break this cycle, these words are still true. It's still very raw. {If I let myself go there.} It's so all-consuming at times it's suffocating. That day 3 1/2 years ago is still monumental. Still life changing. But I still don't want my life to be defined by the pain of that moment. So, yes, these words are still true and they probably always will be. And that's okay. Yep, I said it. It's okay that these words still ring true.

You see, I've had it all wrong. I got so caught up in this game of tug of war that I lost focus. I've been focusing on the two opponents. Grief vs. Fear. For so long I've struggled with balancing the grief of the situation with not allowing myself to be defined by the pain (or grief) of the situation. I didn't understand how to do one without the other. I thought they went hand in hand. If I grieve the loss of my daughter, I allow myself to be defined by that grief. At least that's how I saw it until now. See, it's okay to grieve. It's good to grieve. I should be grieving the loss of my daughter. But that doesn't mean the grief itself will define me. I could let it, if I wanted to. But that would be a miserable existence. Trust me, I know.

I've had it backwards this whole time. For so long I've associated Ellianna's situation...Ellianna herself...with pain. It seemed as if they were one and the same. Shame on me. Kids change us. They do. They change who we are {woman to mother}. They change how we interact with those around us. They shape us, help define us if you will. Having Ellianna did change me. That moment when I realized she was gone did define me. That moment. Not the pain. But her. God. The faith she allowed me grow in; it changed me. In that moment, when I knew she wouldn't breathe a single breath on this Earth, that was the closest I've ever been to God. He did change me.

It was in that moment I was given the rope. This whole time I've struggled with it. The weight of it. The roughness. The blisters it wore on my hands. The opponents. I threw it into a game it was never meant to play. I danced from end to end trying to win. Pulling and tugging until I didn't know what else to do. Wanting to properly grieve and wanting my joy back. Pulling and tugging, Pulling and tugging. The poor rope; that's not what it was for at all. Rather, the rope was there as a gentle reminder of Ecclesiastes 4:12. "...A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." The rope held me together when two sides of me were waring against each other. It served to remind me that with God as our center, my center in this case, it would not be easily broken. I'm thankful for the rope. I'm thankful for the bond it represents. I'm thankful it went along with my antics until I was ready. Now my focus is on the rope. On God, my Savior, who holds all the pieces of my broken life together creating a beautiful masterpiece.

Tonight, I'm thankful.*

As previously stated

2010-09-19T18:08:00.000-05:00

I've been a horrible blogger. I mean, May? Really, May was the last time I posted?! Crazy!! I guess I've been a little busier this summer than I realized. Summers are always busy for us, but seriously....M.A.Y.

Actually, if we're all going to be honest here, I just haven't felt like blogging. :/ It was easier not to go there. Every time I would log on and sit down to start writing, I just couldn't bring myself to go to that place of vulnerability. So instead, I just shut my brain off and started catching up on other blogs. {It was easier.} I didn't have to think. I didn't have to go to that wounded place. I didn't have to hurt. I didn't have to cry. I couldn't even bring myself to write a light-hearted blog about Kinnley.

Weird, I know.

Good grief it's taken me almost 3 weeks to write this one. {oops!} (not to mention all other unfinished posts dating back to March...)

And I'm not sure why.

I know that writing will help to heal the pain. I know that it brings me complete and total joy to write about my little miss sassy pants. And yet, it's all seemed too hard. As if writing about McKinnley was wrong. Well, wrong isn't the right word, but frankly I don't know what is. Sometimes it just feels like if I write about the things that bring me joy, if I go on living, then it's as if Ellianna didn't die. {Not as in she's still alive, but that I somehow must not be grieving enough.} ....but if I stop living, then her death, HER LIFE, was in vain. And I will {not} let it be in vain.

I know that the devil would love for me to believe that if I go on living, and not just living, but living joyfully, that I must not be honoring her. I know he would love nothing more than to have me wallow in self pity and be miserable. I also know it's a lie. One that I refuse to believe. Refuse! No longer. How does my being depressed {sometimes to the point of not being able to function} honor Elli? My family? McKinnley? More than that, how does that bring honor to God? Well, it doesn't. So forgive me. Please. Forgive me for not living life to the fullest. Forgive me, at times, for just simply existing.

Yesterday marked 3 1/2 years since Ellianna went to be with Jesus. Three and a half years. Unbelievable. So much has happened. So much has changed. But it's time for one more change. Me. I'm ready. I'm ready to find myself again.

Here goes nothing.....

I'm a horrible blogger...

2010-08-27T08:23:00.000-05:00

I promise I'll {try} to get back at soon.
I'll try really hard.
Promise.

In the meantime, here are a couple of pictures...

Bet you'll never guess where we just were. :::grin:::

She's {two}!!

2010-05-20T08:41:00.001-05:00

Wow. My baby isn't a baby anymore. She's two. No sign of "baby" left. And while I guess there hasn't really been any signs of "baby" for a while, now it seems official. I can't say she's one anymore. She's officially a toddler and heading into what will hopefully NOT be the terrible two's!
Oh, how I love her so so much! She lights up my world and constantly makes me laugh with the things that come out of her mouth. She's one silly, crazy, funny, intelligent, caring, ~~stubborn~~ strong-willed, loving little girl and I wouldn't have it any other way!

As of late:

You talk 90 to nothing. nonstop. all the time! And I love it!

Most of the time I forget I'm talking to a {now} two year old

Sometimes you talk so fast you can't get the words out right so you end up stuttering--It's so cute!

I love that you communicate and communicate well.

You sing all the time.

Your favorite songs are:

Jesus loves me

"Twinkle in a star"

{Sometimes you get the words wrong}

Hush little baby...town

You love playing "mommy"
{even with the other kids...not just your dolls}
You are slightly bossy
It cracks me up to hear you repeat some of the things I say all day
"one more time, that's it"
"Momma told you 'no'!"
"Look at my eyes"
"lay down and go to sleep"
Your new favorite thing to ask your babies is:
"Do you need to go potty? Okay, let's go!"
I'm afraid you're going to drop one in the toilet....

You love to go to the grocery store
....both real and pretend....
EVERY TIME we say we are going "bye, bye"
you think we are going to "Emma, John, Kari-John, and JAAAYYDDDE's"

You love slides. And stairs.
Oh my how you love to climb!
I'm waiting for the day you climb out of your crib...
You {love} bubbles.
And tea parties.
And baths.

You absolutely LOVE to make people laugh/smile.

And you constantly make me do both.
I love you sweet girl!

"You're my __________!"

3seams

2010-04-30T14:08:00.000-05:00

You should seriously go take a look at this. It's a link to a blog I follow and {love} by Angie Smith. Angie has a friend named Inga who is an amazing visionary and has started an organization called 3seams. You know when you hear or read about something and it just tugs at your heart strings? Well, this did just that for me. I don't feel like I would do it justice to explain everything about the 3seams organization on here, but you should go check out their website here and donate if you can! :::grin:::

It's an amazing opportunity for some women in Haiti...you'll see what I mean. I just wish I could buy one of the dresses. Hopefully they'll sell them online soon. Seriously...go check it out!

Here lately

2010-04-29T10:08:00.000-05:00

****Stupid auto-save....I had this 90% completed and somehow it deleted. Before I could hit undo it auto-saved and I have NO clue how to get it back.........great****

Here are just a few of the things we've been up to here lately.

{Enjoy}

::::grin::::

Building {state of the art} gingerbread houses. Yes, it was March, don't judge. :)

Making messes. Hmm, I think "guilty" is written all over that face. :)

Going to the zoo with Lolly, Madison and Sylvia. We had so much fun with them!!

Some of our favorites from our trip to the zoo:

Being silly with Daddy

"Hush monkey! You're too loud!"

Alligators! Chomp, chomp!

Riding the monorail

Sliding. Oh how we love to slide!

Tippy toes

Hunting Easter eggs in the wind and rain with the bestie, Emma.

Just being plain cute!

And.......

Going to a "Hockey Gaaaaaaaaame!"

Uncle Trav came to see us!

We had so much fun at the hockey game with him...

Go Blackhawks!

And to top it off...

We got a game puck!

Thank you random man! :)

We've been up to {A LOT} lately, how about you?

Just because...

2010-04-14T10:02:00.000-05:00

I knew you were dying to see this beautiful face. :::grin:::

One month from today...

2010-04-08T16:45:00.001-05:00

My sweet girl will turn {TWO} !!

Two. Seriously, I can't believe she will be two. She has grown up WAY too fast and it makes my heart sad. Don't get me wrong, I love every bit of watching her grow and learn, but good grief, somebody give me a pause button! Even if it's just for a moment, I wish I could freeze time and hold on to these precious moments with her that I will never get back.

Moments in time take on new meanings when death has so rudely stolen them from you in the past. I never got these moments with Ellianna. My heart aches and longs for the memory of what could be: watching them play, interact, and even fight. It's amazing how much I wish I could sit them both in time out for pulling each others hair or hitting each other. :::grin::: I always wonder how different McKinnley would be if Ellianna were still alive. Would she be as strong-willed? {stubborn?} Would she be as bossy? Ornry? Or silly? All things I wonder, but all things that are completely irrelavant. It doesn't matter what could have been, because the fact is, it isn't. It isn't any of these things. And God knew this is how it would be. That's a hard concept to swallow. And as much as I wish Elli was here, McKinnley is exactly how she is supposed to be....and I love it! She is truly an amazing little girl with her ornry, silly, bossy, stubborn, strong-willed, independant, shy-yet-center of attention, loving, funny, sweet, caring, crazy, smart, care-free self. I wouldn't trade a second of it for the world!

I love you McKinnley Grace, but do me a favor, will ya? Slow down and stop growing up so fast!!

Everything Changed

2010-03-29T14:50:00.001-05:00

December 4, 2006.

We went in for a {regular} 16 week check up hoping we might get lucky and find out the sex a little early. Everything had been picture perfect so far, we had no reason for concern. That quickly changed. The doc's mood slowly changed as he was performing the ultrasound. He didn't seem {too} concerned, but concern was there nonetheless. Maybe he was just being guarded. Not sure. But he told us there was "some fluid around the head and some behind the ears." My first thought... "Fluid around the head? Isn't his or her entire head surrounded by fluid?" The wording just didn't make since to me. He said it could turn out to be nothing but that we would need to see a specialist with better equipment to determine if there was a legit problem. Okay, fine. We would go to a specialist in a couple of days. It would turn out to be nothing. My faith was high. I had just gotten all cleaned up from the lovely jelly they plop on your belly when the doctor came back in. He informed us that he had made us an appointment with the specialist and we were to head over there right away. What?! Right away?! My faith suddenly came crashing down. {Now} I was worried.

On the way to the other doctor, whose name I can't even recall (is that bad?),we were busy praying, and making phone calls to our family asking them to pray. I {tried} to put on a brave face, or voice in this case, and tell them it was no big deal and could easily turn out to be nothing. I tried my hardest to believe the words that were coming out of my own mouth. I wasn't very convincing.

We sat in an awkward silence mixed with the slightest bit of small talk while we waited in the waiting room. We were both scared, nervous and praying. Neither of us had the words to say. What do you say in that situation anyway? We were finally called back and met the doctor. Still don't remember his name. Thick accent, salt and pepper hair...yeah that's all I've got for ya. He was nice enough, I suppose. Very professional and not very personable, but not rude. Just very matter of fact. His super thick accent didn't help things. He dealt with high risk pregnancies and genetic disorders all day, every day. He came across very {calloused} and accustom to this process, but again, not rude.

The room was dimly lit, making it hard to remember much about it. There was the table/chair thingy you lay on, high tech ultrasound equipment, a couple of chairs, a long row of counters and counter tops, along with a TV monitor. The monitor mirrored what was on the ultrasound screen so I could see it without getting a crick in my neck. The room itself made me sad. It wasn't a place I would have ever pictured myself and it certainly wasn't a place I wanted to be. But it would be a place I would become very familiar with over the next several months. The doctor came back in and turned off the lights, making the already dimly lit room seem pitch black. The only light came from the two screens. Creepy. Scott stood by my head and held my hand as the doctor began the ultrasound. He took his time, took lots of measurements, and was very quiet. {Too} quiet. He finally broke his silence and began to talk about everything he saw. He confirmed what Dr. S had told us about the fluid. There was fluid on the baby's brain and some behind the ears. He also noted that the arms and legs were measuring a bit small. He then informed us that we would have (I'll get into that more later) to have an amniocentesis to determine what was really going on. He wanted to schedule it for the next day, which happened to be my birthday. Not happening. So we scheduled it for the sixth instead.

And thus began a whirlwind of testing on this new journey we had now been thrust down.

Marked by love

2010-03-16T17:06:00.001-05:00

I have SO much I want to say and need to say, but before I do, I wanted to get a quick blog out about this beautiful necklace by Lisa Leonard. She's been working with Angie Smith from Bring the Rain to create a necklace in honor of her sweet Audrey. As soon as I saw it, I burst into tears. March 18th will mark 3 years since I lost my precious Ellianna. What a perfect way to honor her memory than with this beautiful necklace. Check it out!!

The first half of the pregnancy....

2010-03-10T14:00:00.000-06:00

"Are you saying what I {think} you're saying?!"

Why, yes, we were. ***disclaimer: This again, is talking about our first pregnancy with Elli, not the one with McKinnley or a current one...as we are not pregnant. Continue*** We were pregnant with our first baby and we were ecstatic. The first grand baby on my parent's side, the 3rd (which ended up being the fifth...two more adoptions during the pregnancy!) on Scott's side. Everyone was so excited to meet this little bundle of joy.

I didn't have much morning sickness, but when I did have it, it was ROUGH! Starting at 6 weeks, I woke up in the middle of the night, every 2 hours on the dot. I thought {death} was knocking at my door.

I kid. Sorta.

Honestly, I have never felt so sick. There was no relief. I would have felt better if I had thrown up. But not once during the few weeks that it lasted, did I throw up. I know some people might say I got lucky and shouldn't be complaining. I mean, after all, it only lasted a few weeks and I never threw up, but man oh man, it was BAD!! (And I can say this now because I have since had another precious baby girl, had morning sickness all day, everyday for months and threw up every.single.day. And strangely enough, I would take that over what I dealt with the few short weeks of morning sickness with Elli.)

Enough about that. :::grin:::

Two words. Dairy. Queen. A Dairy Queen 1/2 chocolate chip cookie dough, 1/2 Reese's blizzard to be exact. If there was one thing I craved over everything else, this was it. Yum. I could have eaten one every day, but I was a good girl and refrained. I only had one once a week. ::grin:: Other than that, I didn't have many other cravings. I did start liking {some} vegetables and watermelon though. And if you know me at all, you know that in itself is HUGE! I hated veggies!

Scott went to every appointment with me. He didn't want to miss out on anything. He loved seeing her move and flip and whatever else she was doing in there. The look on his face when he heard the heartbeat each time was the best! Pure joy. The pregnancy was going smoothly and everything was measuring right on schedule.

And then we went in for our 16 week appointment on December 4th, 2006...and {everything} change...

What I do all day...

2010-03-10T13:55:00.000-06:00

***I wrote this several weeks ago and never published it. I had a photo attached of all of the kiddos, but I keep forgetting to ask the parents for permission to put their child's picture on here. So I just took the picture off and decided to post it without it. :::grin:::***

Well, let's see, a {normal} day would look like this...

Play with kids
Feed the kiddos breakfast
check for dirty diapers
(change dirty diapers if needed)
put 2 kids down for a nap
play with the rest of the kiddos
start getting lunch together
get up the babies from napping
feed the kiddos lunch
change diapers
play some more
put {everyone} down for a nap
try and sneak a nap in for myself
(less than 50% success rate with that...)
get everyone up from nap
change diapers
feed the kids a snack
play even more
Parents pick up their kids
}Repeat{

So all of that summed up....eat, sleep and clean poop.

Today, however, has looked like this.....

play with kids
3 kids fed breakfast
1 given breathing treatment
retrieved toy microphone and potty seat from {toilet}
cleaned the kid playing in toilet
wash the kiddo's shirt since it was covered in toilet water
clean toilet
throw away toy mic that was now {filled} with toilet water
clean potty seat
take 1 potty twice
put 2 down for nap
take 3 outside to play, color and burn off some of this crazy energy
sent 1 inside with hubby b/c she didn't want shoes on
play with 2 outside
bring them inside and tell them "hands up, don't touch anything."
they immediately wiped the sidewalk chalk on the walls and furniture
clean chalk off of the 2 and EVERYTHING they touched
:::::::::::::::::::::::::
pause here for a moment. It's only 9:45 am at this point. ::grin:: Continue.
:::::::::::::::::::::::::
play with 3 kids still awake
break up at least 5 "fights"
get the 2 up from nap
start prepping lunch
change 2 diapers
feed all five kiddos
another breathing treatment
1 given a bottle
break up at least 5 more "fights"
1 sat in time out twice
check for dirty diapers
change 2 more diapers
1 taken to potty again and changed pull-up
all 5 put down for a nap {!!!}
finally eat lunch for myself
sit down to write this post at 1:15 pm
2 wake up way too early
put two back to sleep

It's now just a bit after 2:00 pm...

I still have the "after nap" routine left. We'll see how that goes! :::grin:::
}hopefully not repeat{

I love what I do. And I would today over again a million times if it meant I would still get to stay at home with McKinnley. I love the kids I watch. Some may criticize that I have no life and I'm "stuck" here at home, but I don't agree at all. Sure, it definitely has it's challenges and some days I just want to pull my hair out and cry, but it's so worth it. Not only do I get to stay home with my baby girl, but I get the opportunity to shape and mold 4 other beautiful children.

Thank you Jessica and Nick, Aimee and Ryan, and Mark and Sara for trusting me with your precious kiddos. I love them so much...even on days like today.

::::grin::::

Snow, glorious snow!!

2010-02-16T18:30:00.001-06:00

I.Love.Snow.

Seriously.

There's something {majestic} about it.

It's so beautiful and makes me feel like a kid all over again. I have always been enamored with it and I get all giddy inside. I could sit and watch it fall for hours, and that's just what I did.

I needed a snow day...or two. ::grin::

When you're playing in the snow, you're not thinking about the bills that need paid, the debt that's ever-looming, the money you don't have, the house that needs cleaned, the laundry that needs done. No, you're not thinking about any of this at all. You're just playing. Carefree, like a {kid}, full of pure joy.

{bliss}

We could all use a snow day or two every now and then.......
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

I had {grand} adventures planned. Snow angels, snowmen, snow ball fights, snow walks, snow ice cream. Oh the adventures I was going to have.

...........a girl can dream can't she?! :::grin:::

Well, I did set out on every adventure, they just weren't on as grand of a scale as I had hoped. And that was perfectly okay, because all in all, it turned out to be a perfect, much needed day with my family.

:Perfect:

The day we found out...

2010-02-11T20:00:00.003-06:00

...we were pregnant, we were {beyond} excited. The line was so faint, I took 3 tests just to make sure!! We weren't trying to get pregnant so it definitely came as a shock. We hugged, we laughed, we cried tears of joy....and then I thought, "Oh my, can we really do this? Can we afford this? Are we ready? Where will we live? The apartment is WAY too small for a baby!" And fear of the unknown gripped my heart...for about 3 seconds. Then Scott grabbed me, hugged me and whispered, "Babe, we're gonna have a baby! {Everything's} going to be fine. It's okay!" I laughed. I couldn't believe I went from excitement to fear back to excitement in 20 seconds flat! We wanted to go to the doctor and confirm the pregnancy (remember the faint line...) so we decided to wait to tell our parents. It was SOOO hard to keep it a secret from them. Luckily, we didn't have to wait too long. We made an appointment for the next day. :::grin:::

Dr. S was great. He made me feel so comfortable and we laughed pretty much the whole time. He's such a character! He, of course, confirmed that I was {indeed} pregnant....barely 5 weeks, but still, PREGNANT!! He even joked that I was just barely pregnant. I couldn't believe it. We were going to have a baby! He gave us a sonogram picture of what looked like a BB and scheduled an 8 week appointment. So off we went, still on a high, not believing what was happening. We sat in the car for a little bit and discussed back and forth whether we should call our parents.

We decided to go to Target.

Once we got inside Target we went straight to the greeting card section. We scanned over the cards for who knows how long until we found the perfect one. We snatched up three of them and went to the baby section. What to buy, what to buy? We looked at everything and just couldn't decide.

So we bought Gerber baby spoons. Exciting, I know, but we loved them and they were perfect!

We mailed out the cards and waited for our parents to call. My parents got the card first since they live closer and then finally Scott's parents called. Everyone one had the same response..."Are you saying what I {think} you're saying?!?!"

A few things I don't want to forget....

2010-01-19T13:42:00.000-06:00

I'm horrible at writing stuff down in McKinnley's baby book...In fact, I'm not sure if I've written anything in it. Horrible, I know. I always just take a picture of the certain event or milestone and *plan* on putting it in her book. I haven't quite got to the "putting it in" part yet, but I guess I at least still have the picture and can put it in later, right? Right! At least that's what I keep telling myself! ::grin:: So it's really not that big of a problem that I haven't officially documented rolling over, sitting up, first steps and so forth since I have the pictures with the dates. (Or at least that's what I keep telling myself!) But now she's is learning stuff left and right, most of which I can't document with a camera, so that {is} a problem. Which brings me to the point of these ramblings ::grin:: Here are a few things about my precious Kinnley-boo that I don't want to forget.

McKinnley Grace
{20 months old}

-You can and do say pretty much anything
which always tends to shock people
-You can form complete sentences, short, but complete
::grin::
-Your favorite phrases right now are:
. oh no! what happened? (or "huh happen"...depending on how fast you say it)
. where daddy go?
. where kinnley go? UH! there she is!!
. hold you manda...to which I correct and make you say momma :)
. you point and say "you" if you see a picture of yourself
. soshun (lotion)
. oh my gosh...we're working on that one :-/
. oh my goodness
. bless you (when we sneeze or blow our noses)
. you pronounce your "k" and hard "c" sounds like "t's" most of the time
{example: kitty cat = titty tat}
::grin::
. Jesus, Hallelu
. apple {nipple...yeah I'm not thrilled about that one. You can thank your daddy for that}
. awww, it's tute {cute}
. lay down, look at lights. Pretty. Pretty lights momma (This of course was at Christmas time when we would lay under the tree and look up at the lights.)
I'm sure there are many, many more cute phrases and sayings, but that's all I can think of off the top of my head.

-Since we got back from Christmas vacation in IA, you have a new nightly routine:
. you now refuse to lay down without out being rocked and sung to
. you say "rock you momma. Jesus, hallelu. Twinkle star" or any combination of the three
{Jesus, hallelu is "Jesus loves me" just a different version}
. you tend to add a new stuffed animal to the mix every night...I keep having to hide them
{baby, blanket, puppy are the norm with different ones thrown in}
. You have to tuck in Mousey {Minnie Mouse}, Baby and Dora every night. You usually do this to stall having to go to bed.

-Some of your favorite toys and books are:
. any stuffed animal or baby doll
{You love to rock your baby and sing "Jesus, Hallelu" to her. Cutest. Thing. Ever.}
. Dora doll and prush (brush)
. keys, real or pretend
. puzzles
. rocking horse
. balls
. bubbles
. coloring
. your bouncing zebra thing (descriptive, I know)
. microphone
. phone...iphone to be exact. It's scary how well you know how to use it...
. Noah's ark
. blocks
.you love for me to draw handprint turkeys on your magnadoodle
. Daddy hugs
. Pajama time
. Five little monkeys
. Where is baby's belly button
. Twinkle toes
. either of your Elmo books

-Your favorite things to eat right now are:
. chicken
. mac & cheese
. Cheese. period.
. pretty much any fruit
. NOT any vegetable...and oh does that frustrate me!
. fraphers {crackers}
. bacon
. cereal
. oatmeal
. yogurt
. applesauce

-You can count to 3. Sometime 5, but you usually skip 4
-You can recognize the letters {capital} A,B,C,D,E,F,G,I,T and are learning at least one new one everyday
-You've been able to sign "more", "please", "eat" and "all done" since you were 9 months old. You can now say all of them, but you occasionally still sign it as you say it.
-You make associations really well, especially with people. You know who belongs with who.
{example: gram, nathan, roxie, abby and jax or papa jack, nana, sissy (Kinsey) and trudy}
-You can recognize people in pictures very easily

-Your favorite cartoons are:
. Dora
. Wow wow
. Backyardigans
. Wonder pets
. Veggie Tales

-You love to climb...anything and everything
-You love to dance and do the {cutest} booty shake and ~everyone~ asks you to do it. It always makes them smile/laugh

-You've pee peed in potty twice and will {hopefully} master it soon!!!

McKinnley, I love you so so much. You light up my world everyday. I can't wait to see what your next {new} thing is!

............did I say a {few} things...oops!! :::::::grin:::::::

Ready, set, go

2010-01-14T01:05:00.001-06:00

Figuring out where to start (or in this case, how to start) has always been a challenge for me. Whenever I would write a paper in high school or college, I would always know what I wanted to say, but it was the figuring out how to start it out that got me every time. (The same holds true when it comes to cleaning/organizing my house....but that's another story! :)) Thesis statements, ugh, those where the worst! I hated them! Anyway, my point is, I'm finding it difficult to figure out what to say or where to start. Most people tend to journal as things are happening in their lives. I, on the other hand, refused to. I didn't want to face it and wanted to think everything was okay. So going back almost 3 years seems kinda silly, but necessary.

I thought about just starting with telling you about how I met my husband, seeing as how he plays such an intricate part in this process as well, but it just felt too random... Does that even make sense?! I have had this post in my draft for weeks, but I've still yet to complete it. Not sure why really. I think I've just been so emotionally drained over the holidays and since then that I have not had the energy to open up the can of worms that it will inevitably be. (not my husband, but writing about Elli! :)) That being said, this is going to be more difficult, draining, and time consuming than I thought. I suppose it doesn't help either that I've been staying up WAY too late...it's currently 12:25 a.m. Which probably and almost definitely contributes to why I've not had the energy to write lately.... hmmm....

Anyway, I will write. I will. I will lay my heart out there. I will be transparent. I will try to put into words what I'm feeling, thinking and going through. I will write how it's affected us in every aspect of our lives and still does. I will write about my amazing husband and my sweet McKinnley and the {absolute} joy they bring me each and everyday. I will. I will, I will, I will. But first......sleep! :) (12:57 a.m. I'm just saying...)

I will leave you with this, however. Tell me that doesn't make you smile!

I'm ready to start living again

2009-12-15T14:51:00.006-06:00

Wow. My first blog.

I have to admit, I'm not quite sure what to write. (And for those of you that know me, I'm not usually short on words! Ha!) Actually, I'm just not sure where to start.

As I'm sure you probably already read in the "About me" section, this blog is about my journey through life and the ups and downs that I've faced. I've had a lot of defining moments in my life, some good, some bad, but they've all shaped me into the woman I am today. I would not be the same without them. One of the biggest, most defining moments came with the death of my first daughter, Ellianna. I will get into that more later. (Don't worry, there will be plenty of blogs about her and the whole experience, but for now, you'll have to wait. :)) Anyway, like I was saying, in all of my life I've never had anything impact me the way she did. A piece of me died on March 18, 2007. A huge piece. It's been a year and nine months since my sweet Elli went to heaven...it's been a year and nine months since I've really lived. I mean, sure, I'm clearly alive and breathing and going on about my life, but I haven't really been living it. Does that make sense? And please, don't misunderstand me. I have a wonderfully amazing husband and an incredible daughter that words cannot even begin to describe. There are definitely moments when I feel alive with them, a lot of moments actually. But I'm ready for those moments to connect and create a beautifully orchestrated masterpiece. I'm ready to fully come alive again. (You can count on there being plenty of posts about those two as well. I just had to start somewhere, and it makes the most sense to start with Elli...) :)

When I was typing up the "About me" section and wrote the words, "but I'm ready to start living again" it hit me like I ton of bricks. I think it was at that moment, with tears rolling down my face, that I fully realized that I haven't been. I've felt like a zombie the last 21 months, though it may not look like it from the outside (or maybe it does and I'm just that delusional...hehe). I try to put on a good face for everyone, so I put on a smile and go through the motions. But on the inside I'm hurting and broken and crying out, kinda like when you have a bad dream. In the dream you want nothing more than to scream for help, but all that comes out is silence. I'm ready to break the silence.

I know that I will never be the same. You rarely are after life-defining moments, and well, honestly, you shouldn't be. But God knew when he created me that this would forever change me. I'm glad he knew that and yet, still trusted my husband and I enough to say, "they can handle it." He knew it wouldn't completely break us. I am so thankful that his grace has sustained me and that he has been patient enough with me to carry me through to this point. I'm finally ready (or at least I think I am!) to face this and sort through all the emotions, anger and hurt. I know it won't be easy, or pretty for that matter. I know that there will be lots of shed tears, but I KNOW it WILL BE worth it. I owe it to my friends and family, to my husband, Scott, and my precious Kinnley. Those two deserve the best wife and mom that I can be.

They are my legacy. And it's going to be a great one.